Truth In Satire

Trump Announces Border Wall With Canada, Along With Tariff On Maple Syrup

“Canada is now our worst enemy, along with Mexico, while Russia and North Korea are our new best friends,” declared the president

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President Trump refused to shake hands with Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau and later tried to give him a wedgie. (Credit:

After a contentious meeting with the leaders of the G7 nations on Saturday, President Donald Trump fired off a volley of two-fisted tweets, mostly aimed at Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau.

“Little J, as I call him, was very dishonest and weak today and incredibly disrespectful to me personally, barely bowing once,” said the president, tweeting from Air Force One after leaving the summit early and refusing to sign a joint communique issued by America’s “former” allies. “That’s why I’m announcing the building of a wall across our northern border starting tomorrow because Canadians now present our biggest national security threat.”

The startling provocations by Mr. Trump aimed at one of America’s oldest allies deeply worries foreign policy experts on both sides of the border. It also threatens to hasten an all-out trade war between the two countries, possibly leading to a military conflict using catapult-launched water balloons.

Most immediately, however, pain will be felt by pancake lovers across America as President Trump imposed a crippling tax on the import of Canadian maple syrup, a staple at many Sunday breakfast tables. More than 80% of the world’s maple syrup comes from Canada.

“Going after our maple syrup is viewed as a major affront to Canadians,” said Trevor Saplowe, a spokesman for the Canadian Commerce Department. “You can make fun of our accents, our Mounties, poutine, and Michael Buble, but attack our maple syrup and you’ll awaken the sleeping warrior in all Canadians.”

It is unclear whether President Trump also plans to deport Canadians currently living in the U.S., but an angry Justin Bieber tweeted on Saturday night, “Calling all Canucks living in U.S. to Washington, D.C. where we will egg White House! Who’s with me, eh?”


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