Truth In Satire

Transcripts Show Trump Called Australian Leader “Dingo F**ker” In Sharp Exchange

President also told PM Malcolm Turnbull to “go suck on a Foster’s” after he refused to modify refugee deal made with Obama

President Trump managed to alienate an 80-year ally of the United States in under 30 minutes. (Credit: ibtimes.co.uk)

According to transcripts just released by the Washington Post, a phone conversation between Australia’s Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and President Donald Trump in January devolved quickly into harsh personal attacks.

During the tense, 24-minute call, conducted just a few days after the president’s inauguration, Mr. Trump put a strong American ally on the defensive by seemingly using every slanderous insult in his large database of racial slurs.

Tough guy Trump insulting world leaders by phone in January. (Credit: sbs.com.au)

Here is the unedited transcript of that January 28th call. Please be aware that much of the language used by the Mr. Trump, as is typical when he’s speaking with world leaders (and giving speeches to the Boy Scouts), might be disturbing to young ears and rational Americans:

Turnbull: Good evening, Don.

Trump: Mr. Prime Minister, how are you?

Turnbull: I am doing very well.

Trump: And I guess our friend Greg Norman, he is doing very well, too, that golfing ‘gubba?’

Turnbull: Uh, he is a great mutual friend, yes, but using those offensive terms, Don, isn’t necessary.

Trump: Call me, Mr. President. Well, say hello to him for me, that old ‘skippy poofter.’

Turnbull: Again, sir, no need for that kind of talk. Anyway, I want to congratulate you and Mike Pence on being sworn in now. I know we are both looking to make our relationship which is very strong and intimate, stronger than ever.

Trump: Okay, let’s not go too far with that ‘intimate’ stuff, Malcolm, I’m not gay, you know.

Turnbull: Not what I meant at all, Mr. President. I just believe you and I have similar backgrounds, unusual for politicians, more businessmen, and I look forward to working together.

Trump: We have to, because it is an evil time … it is brutal, especially with this ISIS thing — we are going to devote a lot of energy to those ‘rag heads.’ They’re not as bad as you ‘shackle draggers’ in Australia, of course, but they’re still criminals.

Turnbull refused to shake Trump’s hand at a face-to-face meeting they had in May, saying, “I never met a bigger wanker in my life.” (Credit: news.com.au)

Turnbull: Uh, again, sir, I don’t appreciate the ethnic insults. Let’s get the tone of this call on civil footing, shall we? As far as the dangers of ISIS, that is exactly why we are bringing in 12,000 Syrian refugees, 90% of which will be Christians. It is not a sectarian thing. It is recognition of the practical political realities.

Trump: Look, I know none of those refugees are secretaries, what do you think I am, stupid? Those lousy ‘dune coons’ probably never worked a day in their lives.

Turnbull: Ugh, okay, enough with these unpleasant racial slurs, sir. Enough! Now let’s return to the issue of the resettlement agreement that we had with the Obama administration. This is a very big issue for us.

Trump: Look, I just called for a total ban on Syrian refugees and extreme vetting for every other ‘fig gobbler,” and you’re trying to send me 2,000 ‘jawas’ ?! The United States has become like a dumping ground. I have to say, I love all you cuddly koalas, I do, I have so many friends who are Australian but, geez, this is a big ask. We are supposed to take 2,000 ‘habibis’ from you? It sends such a bad signal.

Turnbull: I think we should respect deals, sir.

Trump: Who made the deal, ‘Bamboomba’ Obama, right? Fuck his deals and fuck his ‘black Barbie’ wife, too!

Turnbull: I am not even going to grace that with a reply. Look, Mr. President, these refugees are innocent victims, persecuted people, not terrorists. None of them are from the conflict zone. They are basically economic refugees from Iran, Pakistan, and Afghanistan.

Trump: So, you keep those ‘camel jockeys and bomb builders’ if they’re so great. I don’t want them stinking up our shores with their smelly sandal feet, got it?

Turnbull: I am asking you as a very good friend here, Don. This is a big deal. It is really important to us that we maintain it. I do believe that you will never find a better friend to the United States than Australia. I say this to you sincerely that it is in the mutual interest of the United States to say, ‘yes, we can conform with that deal.’

Trump: Hey, read my lips, you ‘dingo fucker,’ this is going to kill me. I am the world’s greatest person that does not want to let people into my country. It makes me look so bad and I have only been here a week. So my answer is NO!

Turnbull: With great respect, that is not right.

Trump: Look, I spoke to Putin, Merkel, Abe of Japan, to France today, and this was my most unpleasant call because I will be honest with you. I hate taking these people in. I guarantee you they are bad. They are not going to be wonderful people who go on to work for the local milk people.

Turnbull: The local milk people? I don’t even understand that.

Trump: You don’t understand? Then let me spell it out for you, ‘Mr. Downunder.’ Obama made a bad deal, okay? And I’m canceling it, because it’s my job to reverse everything that the Black Jesus started. Covfefe?

Turnbull: What is wrong with you, sir? As you know, there is nothing more important in business or politics than a deal is a deal.

Trump: Look, Mal, they said I had no way to 270 and I got 306. That is why they lost the election, because of stupid deals like this. You have brokered many a stupid deal in business, you ‘banana bending bogan,’ and still I respect you, but this is a stupid deal. This deal will make me look terrible.

Turnbull: Mr. President, I think this will make you look like a man who stands by the commitments of the United States. It shows that you are a committed…

Trump: This shows me to be a dope. It was a rotten deal between my banjo-lipped predecessor and a kangy kook. I hate it. I am going to get killed on this thing.

Turnbull: You will not.

Trump: Yes, Mr. Fuckwit Wombat, I will. They’ll call me a weak and ineffective leader in my first week. This is a killer, a disgusting deal. I have had it. I have been making these calls all day and this is the most unpleasant call all day. Putin was a pleasant call. This is ridiculous.

Turnbull: Thank you for your commitment, Mr. President. It is very important to us.

Trump: Oh, go suck on a Foster’s, you ‘no-hoper, polly ratbag.’ I’m hanging up. Hooroo, dickhead.

****

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