Truth In Satire

Transcript Of Undisclosed Meeting Between Trump And Putin Leaked

During private conversation, President tells Russian leader, “The only VP that I want around me is Vlad Putin”

President Putin directs Donald Trump to run out and get him a beer and a pretzel. (Credit: ABC News)

The highly-publicized G20 meeting between President Donald Trump and Russia’s Vladimir Putin was not the only time the two met in Hamburg, a new report reveals.

According to other world leaders who were in attendance, they also had a previously undisclosed conversation during a lavish dinner party hosted by German Chancellor Angela Merkel. The two men talked for almost an hour and only Mr. Putin’s translator was present.

Mr. Putin demonstrates how much bigger he is than Mr. Trump. (Credit:

Unexpectedly, the Russian transcript of that meeting was leaked to the European press yesterday. There is speculation now that the Kremlin wants the world to know exactly what was discussed during the highly unusual tete-a-tete.

Here are portions of that chat between Mr. Trump and Mr. Putin, the contents of which dealt with far more than “pleasantries and small talk,” as the White House claims:

Donald Trump: Hey, Vlad, how did you like the schnitzel? I told Merkel where to buy the stuff. I’m German on my grandfather’s side, you know that, right, so I have a natural understanding of good schnitzel. It’s in my blood. No one knows schnitzel like I do. No one in the world.

Vladimir Putin: That’s nice, Donald. Don’t sit so close to me.

Donald Trump: Oh, sorry. So this Russia collusion thing, Vlad, it’s up my ass like Richard Gere’s gerbil. I keep assuring everyone, there’s nothing to see here, it’s over, let’s move on, but the fucking fake news won’t let it go.

Vladimir Putin: I told you, Donald, you need to put this problem behind us and get the pressure off of me…now! You’re screwing things up. Ruining my plans. Don’t mismanage this, Donald. You don’t want me to get reckless with a certain… video.

“I love Vlad, I love Vlad, I love Vlad.” (Credit:

Donald Trump: No, please, not that. I’m taking care of this thing, Vlad, I swear. Just last week I tossed Donnie Jr. out to those mainstream media wolves, threw them off the scent for almost a week. I got little Eric lined up and I’ll shove him under the bus, too, if it comes to that. Just don’t release the video. Please.

Vladimir Putin: Five young, hot Ukrainian hookers, all taking a tinkle on the future Presi…

Donald Trump: Stop, stop, I know. Don’t worry. If I have to, I’ll figure out a way to implicate the White House Jesus freak. If the press thinks Pious Pence, the Trump administration’s sanctimonious holy roller, is involved, they’ll feast on his preachy, self-righteous ass for months.

Vladimir Putin: But he’s your vice-president. That sounds a little careless.

Donald Trump: Fuck no. He’s a hypocritical little dick, a god-fearing goody goody. The press is going to love nailing that guy to the cross. Honest, I tell everybody, ‘The only VP that I want around me is Vlad Putin.’ Ask anyone, that’s what I tell them.

Vladimir Putin: Don’t suck up to me, Donald, it’s distasteful. Just get the job done. Weaklings don’t last long when it comes to Kremlin business. If you have any doubts about that, ask any of my political ‘rivals’ who are floating at the bottom of the Volga. Can you swim, Donald?

Three blind mice…with the cat that’s playing them. (Credit: Zip

Donald Trump (sound of loud gulping is recorded on transcript): No need to talk like that, Vlad. I know the terms of our deal and I will deliver: You sway the election my way, I make Ryan, McConnell and those other Republican numbnuts in Congress nullify the Alaska deal of 1867. Russia gets their mosquito-infested boondocks back, along with the original $7.2 million you paid us, and I receive $100 million as my broker’s fee, plus 10% of all future oil revenues from the pipeline.

Vladimir Putin: I think you forgot something, Donald.

Donald Trump: I know, I know. I have to get that moose-fucking hillbilly Sarah Palin out of Alaska before we hand it over.

Vladimir Putin: So no more, ‘I can spy on Russia from my house…’

Donald Trump: I understand. I’ll offer her a snowmobile, one of Donnie’s elephant guns, or a shopping spree at Bloomingdale’s, something like that. Don’t worry, she’ll go willingly.

Vladimir Putin: And the whole hayseed family goes with her.

Donald Trump: Yes, sir, of course.

Not welcome in the new Russkalaska. (Credit: Daily Express)

Vladimir Putin: And Melania?

Donald Trump: I know — she was only on loan until I became president. She returns to your stables as soon as the Alaska real estate deal is signed.

Vladimir Putin: Good, now get up and leave me alone. Your make-up is starting to flake onto my Black Forest cake.

Donald Trump: One last thing, sir. Did you get those Trump suits I sent over? With the Trump branded dress shirts and ties?

Vladimir Putin: I gave them to some old KGB buddies. I don’t want to look like a cheap mafioso. Next you’ll be offering me your styling mousse. Now get away from me. Go do your job. Or prepare to watch yourself taking a lemon rain shower, drinking the pee-pee cola, washing your hair under a golden geyser, sipping…

Donald Trump: Okay, okay, I’m leaving. Call you during the week when I’m back in Washington.

Vladimir Putin: Not at 3am again, you sleepless freak!


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