Truth In Satire

Tournament Of The Tyrant Tots: Donald Trump Versus Hitler, Stalin, And Mussolini

Who was the most demonic child of them all? Let’s find out.

Today we look at 15 typical childhood scenarios to determine which of the world’s most famous tyrants stood out as an evil youth.

  1. Beating up other children in school.
    All four of these future despots were childhood bullies except, believe it or not, Adolf Hitler.
  2. Using “infant bone spurs” as an excuse for getting out of household chores.
    Only Donald Trump claimed he had bone spurs to weasel out of his duties at home.
  3. Dumping a plate of spaghetti on the head of a sibling.
    Growing up in the pasta capital of the world, this was a favorite torment of Benito Mussolini’s, but Trump did the same with schnitzel.
  4. Accusing other children of committing his own evil acts.
    All four can lay claim to this universal trait of tyrant tykes —denying responsibility and assigning blame to others.
  5. Putting a bag of dog poop on a neighbor’s stoop on Halloween, lighting it with a match, and screaming FIRE!
    Neither Hitler, Mussolini, nor Stalin celebrated Halloween or participated in Mischief Night or Devil’s Night. However Donald Trump was a notoriously evil mischief maker, reviled by parents in his hometown of Queens, NY.
  6. Short-sheeting his nanny’s bed.
    Three of our four tiny tyrants grew up poor. Only Trump was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth, and only he tormented his nanny.
  7. Shooting spitballs through a straw at schoolteachers.
    Hitler and Mussolini attended strict schools where spitball launching would never have been tolerated. Stalin played at this prank only once. The Trump boy, however, always had a straw up to his smug mug.
  8. Excluding minority children from game playing.
    Hitler was the worst when it came to this, sometimes kicking dirt in the face of Jewish children on the playground. Stalin and Mussolini were also actively racist schoolboys. Trump’s father taught him all about Nazism and white supremacy early on and, obviously, he has become an expert.
  9. Touching little girls where they should not be touched.
    Little Donnie started early and never stopped. Mussolini was Italian — enough said. Stalin and Hitler were never grabbers.
  10. Teasing disabled children.
    Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini were brought up knowing better than to mock or ridicule the disabled. Not true for Donald Trump.
  11. Daily tantrums over minor things.
    Adolf had temper tantrums as a child. Benito did, too. Not so much for little Joseph, but Trump was always throwing one. This continues today in the form of Twitter rants.
  12. Unusual aggression toward other children.
    Hitler was actually a well-behaved little boy. Mussolini was assertive but not aggressive. Stalin was frequently getting into physical altercations with other children. Donald Trump was so aggressive growing up that his parents were forced to send him to a military academy for the discipline.
  13. Ruining another child’s birthday party.
    Mussolini once shoved a cannoli in a birthday boy’s face. Stalin swatted the lit candles off a girl’s cake before she could blow them out and set a tablecloth on fire. After the birthday song was sung at one gathering in Braunau am Inn, Austria, where Hitler grew up, he continued to sing additional cruel verses which belittled the boy. Donald was not invited to birthday parties after the age of six, because he was well-known for shoving his fist into every birthday cake before it was sliced. His excuse — he wanted to see what flavor it was.
  14. Open defiance of authority.
    Hitler, check. Stalin, yes. Mussolini, for sure. Trump, however, gets the lifetime achievement award in this category, flipping the bird at his elders from the early age of three.
  15. Total lack of anger management skills and impulse control.
    Mrs. Mussolini could not control Benito when he became angry. Hitler railed at his father, but not his mother. Stalin was well-behaved in school but, if other children mocked his size (he was only 5"4"), he flew into a maniacal rage. Donald lacked many things as a boy including impulse control. Today, it is this very quality, along with his bullying nature and innate stupidity, that may destroy the world.

Based on this informal analysis, Donald Trump excels in all 15 categories of early despotic behavior, whereas the other three tiny totalitarians had at least a few redeeming qualities as children.

Therefore, the winningest loser of this Tournament of the Tyrant Tots is…DONALD TRUMP!


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.


Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

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