Truth In Satire

Top Republicans Offer 20 Arguments For NOT Impeaching Donald Trump

Grasping at straws, GOP leaders serve up assortment of halfhearted rationales for retaining failed president

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Does the man in the middle look like he should be impeached? Republicans don’t think so. (Credit: www.politicsandpolicy.com)

With the Mueller investigation closing in on Donald Trump, and the number of impeachable offenses against the president piling up, the White House has called upon top Republicans to come to his defense with public declarations of support.

However, with POTUS’ popularity at records lows, and little enthusiasm even within his own party to keep him in office, GOP House and Senate members are making only tepid, halfhearted statements to save the leader of their party.

Here are 20 dubious reasons offered by Republican leadership against impeaching Donald Trump, all of which are sure to convince no one:

1. “If your alarm clock is broken, you can always set your wake-up call to Trump’s first predawn tweet of the day. I do it myself.” — Rep. Paul Ryan

2. “While this is certainly the scariest presidency in American history, it’s never dull.” ­ — Senator Rand Paul

3. “You’ll be able to tell your children and grandchildren that you were there on America’s very last day.” — Sen. Mitch McConnell

4. “His wife’s kinda hot.” — Rep. Kevin McCarthy

5. “He’s very entertaining if you’re a fan of things like car crashes, which most of our NASCAR-loving support base is.” — Sen. Roy Blount

6. “If you’re an occasional liar, cheater, womanizer, or tax evader, Donald Trump makes you feel like a model citizen.” — Sen. Oren Hatch

7. “He’s been inspiring many Americans to go back to school, particularly for reading equivalency degrees. That’s positive.” — Sen. Susan Collins

8. “His dysfunctional family makes you feel a whole lot better about the freaks that you’re related to.” — Sen. Jim Inhofe

9. “Remember that time you accidentally made that tiny, little racist remark? Well, this president forgives you.” — Rep. Trey Gowdy

10. “Mr. Trump’s presidency has encouraged a lot of Americans to make out a last will, an important initiative that financial planners highly recommend.” — Sen. Joni Ernst

11. “Mental health experts love the boost he’s given to their profession. Sales of anti-depressant medications are way up, too, giving the pharmaceutical industry a nice shot in the arm.” — Sen. Tom Cotton

12. “Covfefe manufacturers and distributors have never had it so good.” — Sen. Richard Shelby

13. “Every 250 years or so, a country needs a good test of the strength of its political system and our time is now thanks to Trump!” — Rep. Kay Granger

14. “Who doesn’t love a president who’s been peed on!?” — Rep. Doug Collins

15. “Anytime you do something really stupid, just remember President Nitwit is in the Oval Office and you’ll suddenly feel like a Mensa member.” ­ — Sen. Lindsey Graham

16. “Americans have grown soft — a Trump presidency is the kind of tough love that will train a majority of our citizens to get along with almost nothing.” — Sen. Ben Sasse

17. “Colbert, Kimmel, Fallon…ask any of the late-night funny men and they’ll say the same thing, PLEASE DON’T IMPEACH DONALD TRUMP!” — Sen. Marco Rubio

18. “You might hate Trump, but impeach him and you’ll get Mike Pence. Case closed.” — Rep. Liz Cheney

19. “Functional administrations are so old school!” — Rep. Kevin Brady

20. “With his lousy diet and sleep regimen, he’s going to die soon anyway, so why spend all that money on impeachment proceedings?” — Sen. Chuck Grassley

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Thank you to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

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Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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