The Top Headlines One Year From Today (Guess Who’s No Longer President?)

A prophetic sneak peak at the leading stories for July 28, 2018

Ex-President Teams With Bannon/Breitbart To Launch Anarchy News Network

(from the New York Times)
Donald Trump, who left office last August in disgrace after it was conclusively proven that he colluded with the Russians to fix the 2016 presidential election, announced today that he will launch a new, 24-hour cable news channel in the fall. According to reliable sources, the television network will be called the Trump Anarchy Network (TAN), where Mr. Trump will hold the dual titles of CEO and Casting Director for Female On-Air Talent. Mr. Trump is partnering in the venture with his former White House advisor Steven Bannon, in addition to far-right news website, Breitbart, where Mr. Bannon used to be executive chair…

Former First Lady Says She Is Delighted To Be Back In Slovenia

(from The Huffington Post)

Melania Trump, the estranged wife of former U.S. President Donald Trump, says she is thrilled to be back in her native Slovenia after a whirlwind year in which she separated from her husband last September, signed a multi-million dollar, tell-all book deal with Doubleday, and left the U.S. as a folk hero for her instrumental role in bringing down the much despised former leader. According to her publisher, the former First Lady will describe in detail the infamous night in early August of 2017 that definitively ended the political career of Donald Trump. The current working title for the memoir is, “GRABBING BACK: How A Slovenian She-Devil Toppled The U.S. President”…

Kushner, Trump Jr. Said To Be Acclimating Well To Prison Life

(from the Washington Post)

The eldest son of former President Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr., and Jared Kushner, the ex-president’s son-in-law, are said to be adjusting well to daily life at the Cayuga Correctional Facility, a medium-security state prison in Moravia, New York — where they also happen to be cellmates. Both men were convicted in June 2018 of conspiring with a foreign power to influence an American election, a felonious violation of federal law. Each was sentenced to 22 years in prison and expected to receive light work detail. Luckily for both inmates, the Cayuga facility is considered low risk for violent prison assaults and “back door” shower rapes…

DOJ Having Difficulty Placing Eric Trump In Witness Protection Program

(from The LA Times)

Eric Trump, the middle son of the former U.S. president, who turned state’s evidence last year and became a witness for Special Counsel Robert Mueller against his father and other family members, has proved to be a “tough assignment” for Department of Justice officials trying to place him safely into their Witness Protection Program. According to one DOJ insider, every time they relocate the scion of the ex-president, he is quickly recognized and then pelted with tomatoes and dog feces. They are now considering giving him a sex change operation to better shield his identity…

Ivanka’s Star Could Be Rising At QVC

(from BusinessInsider.com)

After a disastrous twelve months for the favorite daughter of a former president, things finally might be looking up for Ivanka Trump. Forced to go to work after her father was driven from office, her husband Jared Kushner was arrested and imprisoned on treason charges, and her fashion label failed spectacularly in the span of just three months, the 36-year-old former “aide” to POTUS45 is now an on-air pitch woman for the QVC shopping network. Initially, her appearances selling clothes, shoes, and jewelry were met with an angry response from female viewers. Then the network moved her to pitching chainsaws and riding mowers to its male audience, while dressed in an Ellie May Clampett-style coverall outfit, which was met with rousing approval from QVC’s male shoppers…

Stephen Miller, Trump’s Former Cyborg Assistant, Sold For Spare Parts In South Korea

(from The Guardian)

Former White House advisor, Stephen Miller, who shortly after the resignation of Donald Trump was discovered to be a Russian-made cyborg, although not operating properly, was sold for the value of his microprocessors and titanium limbs yesterday at an electronics salvage auction in Seoul, South Korea. The frightening android had a ignominious moment of fame in February 2017 when some glitchy software caused him to bark out a 1930’s-era totalitarian dictum, declaring, “the president’s authority will not be questioned!” He was taken offline briefly, but later assumed a role as chief White House political assassin, until his discovery as an automaton in September of last year…

President Hillary Clinton and VP Bernie Sanders Enjoy 86% Approval Rating

(from The Chicago Tribune)

The president and vice-president were at a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a 8-lane bridge opening outside of Sacramento, CA yesterday, basking in the glow of an astonishing 86% approval rating among both Democrats and Republicans. As you recall, the two were installed as the nation’s commander in chief and second in command last September, after the 28th Amendment to the Constitution (as outlined here) was quickly instituted by Congress following the removal of Donald Trump and Mike Pence from office. The new amendment prohibits the sort of election thievery that was perpetrated by the Trump election team in 2016 and punishes it by expelling the cheating party from the White House and elevating the “losing party” to power. In a related story, the 28th Amendment was ratified unanimously by both the House and Senate late last night in a bipartisan effort spearheaded by Senator John McCain (who is made a miraculous recovery from brain cancer), that is being celebrated by a majority of Americans. Next up, President Hillary Clinton will reenter the Paris Climate Accords from which President Trump recklessly withdrew in June of 2017. After that, single-payer, universal healthcare is on the agenda and is expected to pass without debate or significant resistance…

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week, until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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