Truth In Satire

To Please Evangelicals, Trump Vows To Help Jesus Get Back Into Carpenters Union

“When I promised more jobs for everyone, I meant Jews and Galileans, too”

Image for post
Image for post
Jesus crafts a butcher block table at his home on the outskirts of Judea. He is using a primitive wood planing tool that Sal Tomina, President of Carpenters Local Union #157, says is no longer used on job sites today.

President Donald J. Trump told a group of evangelical faith leaders at his country club in Bedminster, NJ over the weekend, that he would do everything in his power to have Jesus Christ reinstated into the local carpenters union now that he’s president.

“I’ve got connections with every labor organization in America,” said Mr. Trump, “With one phone call, I can have the Messiah slinging boards on a couple big jobs in Brooklyn by next weekend. And the pay is a lot better than a lamb’s shank and a couple flasks of wine.”

When told about Mr. Trump’s assurances to the Christian ministers, Sal Tomina, President of Carpenters Local Union #157 in Manhattan said, “Look, we’ll certainly try to work with Don and get this guy a union card, but I’ll have to meet with him first, see what kind of skills the dude has.”

After Mr. Tomina learned that the candidate in question was actually the Messiah himself, he dropped to his knees and said, “Oh, holy mother of God, please forgive me. Of course, send him right down. We’ll find a spot for him, I swear to … I mean, I’d love to help.”

A number of critics have said that Mr. Trump’s involvement in Jesus’ career is merely another way of pandering to his base. They also note that as a Palestinian, the Son of God could have immigration issues due to the president’s strict new immigrant restrictions especially against those from the Middle East.

About those concerns, President Trump said, “If the President of the United States can’t bend the rules once in awhile to get a hardworking Jew with no criminal record into this country, then why did I pay Vlad to fix the election in the first place?”

Attempts to reach the King of Kings at his home in Judea to share the news about a potential job opening in America were unsuccessful. A good friend, Saul of Tarsus, said the Nazarene was on a 40-day Christmas retreat in the desert.

Thanks for reading. I try to respond to every comment. — AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store