The Terrifying Significance Of Donald Trump’s Ubiquitous Black Overcoat
Wherever he goes, it’s there — hiding his pasty paunch, concealing his narrow shoulders, underlining his massive ego — The Black Overcoat.
Throughout history, this seemingly innocuous garment has been draped over some of the most evil men ever to walk the earth — Genghis Khan, Dracula, Saddam Hussein, Boris Badenov from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.
And now Donald Trump has made it his signature cold weather covering, too.
Here are just some of the reasons you should be afraid, very afraid, of the president’s ever present black overcoat:
- Titans of business wear The Black Overcoat. In Greek mythology, Titans were the children of the god, Uranus. Therefore, by extension, Donald Trump has ties to Uranus. Do you really feel comfortable with a president who is linked to Uranus?
2. It is rumored that Donald Trump’s black overcoat is sewn from the scalps of raven-haired women who he formerly grabbed, then beheaded. In effect, his overcoat is haunted by the spirits of his female victims. Why do you think the coat can fly around of its accord? It’s the power of restless spirits trapped inside the weave.
3. The Black Overcoat is the precursor to the Invisibility Cloak. If Donald Trump’s black overcoat had invisibility attributes, then he could sneak into your bedroom at night, spoon you for like 3 hours, then sneak off…and the only evidence you would have that he was there would be orange streaks on your pillow. Think about that.
4. Throughout history, The Black Overcoat has been associated with the most diabolical characters the world has ever known. Genghis Khan wore a black yak overcoat. Count Dracula popularized the cape cut. Saddam Hussein wore his while taking skeet practice using freshly severed human heads. And perhaps most famous of all was The Black Overcoat worn by Adolf Hitler during the Second World War. Hitler’s overcoat was said to be so evil, it would smack people in the face even when he wasn’t wearing it.
5. One of The Black Overcoat’s most frightening qualities is its ability to be worn comfortably over the shoulders without the wearer’s arms in the sleeves. This leaves the hands free to do nefarious things inside the coat, without an observer having a clue. Things like calling in an airstrike using the keypad on his phone, surreptitiously taking spy photos through the coat’s buttonholes, sticking fuses into plastic explosives, folding origami weapons, assembling a Russian Kalashnikov rifle, putting the “e” in evil, or mixing a Molotov cocktail…which isn’t for refreshment, by the way!
6. A lot of lethal gadgets from Q Branch can be hidden inside a roomy black overcoat. Like a Walther PPK Pistol, cyanide cigarettes, ninja throwing stars, nerve gas canisters, industrial lasers, poison delivery syringes, La Bombe Surprise, ballpoint pen guns, radioactive lint, pulse detonators and, of course, yo-yo saws. That’s why you have to keep your eyes on Donald Trump at all times.
7. The antithesis of fun, The Black Overcoat is a window onto the dark soul of humorless men. It is a stern, unfriendly, forbidding garment — the uniform of funerals and sweaty rabbinical gatherings. It is not an accident that Donald Trump cannot take a joke, or understand one, when he’s constantly draped in his black overcoat.
The Black Overcoat is a terrifying harbinger of suffering on the horizon. The longer Donald Trump wears his, the more unhinged and demonic he’ll become. The evil will build in his bones until it completely dominates him. At that point, any attempts to get him to exchange his black overcoat for a nice, navy blue gabardine or a worsted gray herringbone will be useless.
Pay attention, people. Stay alert. Do not rest while The Black Overcoat lives in The White House.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
I read every comment. And I try to answer.