Truth In Satire
Trump Approves “Nine Coolest Killing Machines” On Military’s Wish List
President gives go ahead for “some seriously bad-ass, futuristic weapons” that has the Pentagon’s eyes popping
President Donald Trump is going to make it very hard on America’s enemies, if he has his way. The president has just approved almost $60 billion in new military spending on weapons that he says “will bring very bad people who hate America to their friggin’ knees.”
With the extra shopping money, America’s generals are not only expected to add warships, fighter jets, and more muscular missiles to their already fat arsenals. The bonus $60 billion will also allow them to purchase a number of futuristic weapons that they’ve been pining after for years.
Here are the American military’s “newest, coolest killing machines,” as described by one general, expected to be produced, tested, and available for use by the 2018 midterm elections:
1. Laser Sword: The military has been working on a prototype of this slash-and-slice assassin device for nearly three decades. With a few billion more dollars, they now feel they’ll be able to complete testing and initial production, as well as arm every American infantrymen with a functional laser saber soon. “We don’t believe any other empire has perfected the lightsaber,” said one four-star general, quoting another respected general. “It’s not as clumsy or random as a blaster. We consider it an elegant weapon for a more civilized age.”
2. The Jericho Missile: This is the American military’s first weapon with repulsor lift technology, as well as a shock wave feature that is every defense department’s dream. Once the missile has reached a predetermined height and distance, it splits into 16 smaller missiles that obliterate the target at strategic kill points. The blast damage is significant, capable of pulverizing a ski-resort sized mountain. But it’s the shock wave feature that’s truly devastating. It can bring down all buildings in a major city before its inhabitants can lift their asses off their BarcaLoungers.
3. AKS-74U (also known as the Zorg ZF-1, from the name of the armorer and weapons developer, Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg): Part of the American military’s “Pod Weapon Systems” program, the handheld ZF-1 is really six weapons in one: a machine gun, rocket launcher, poison arrow launcher, net launcher, flamethrower, and a revolutionary “Ice Cube System” that sprays liquid nitrogen and freezes the enemy in its tracks. Military testers say the ZF-1 is far superior to its predecessor, the Zorg Bullpup.
4. The Point of View Gun (POV): Military observers believe that this advanced weapon will result in history’s first “Stand Down Battles,” where the enemy simple gives up. The Point of View Gun causes anyone it’s pointed at to see things from the weapon holder’s perspective. Considering that American forces always battle for good, this weapon will force our enemies to see our righteous position in all military engagements. The Pentagon is placing an initial order of 25,000 POV guns and plans to arm U.S. ambassadors and overseas diplomats with them, as well.
5. BFG Hand Cannon: President Trump is said to be so enamored of this ferocious weapon, he’s requested one for each of his three residences. The BFG Hand Cannon (Big Fucking Gun, sometimes Big Force Gun, or Bio Force Gun) drops some serious doom on whomever is in its line of fire. The weapon discharges a lethal scatter shot of 45 green or red plasma balls and leaves no sign of the enemy once the cloud of plasma clears. There is some concern about the hand cannon’s shoulder kick, but military weapons experts say that they should be able to limit the recoil after spending about $500 million on a new round of tests.
6. TT-45 Leg Machine Gun: A lot of our wounded warriors want to get back in the action and our accommodating president, Donald Trump (who had a serious injury himself — bone spurs — that kept him out of the Vietnam War), wants to assist them. This mechanized gun/rocket launcher not only acts as a prosthetic device, allowing a soldier who’s lost a limb to walk, it also puts them back on the front lines of war. Just hit the ground, swivel the hips, and fire, and a lot of bad guys will be running for cover.
7. VX Gas Rocket: Military biochemists believe they are now just months away from finishing the VX gas-armed rocket program initially started in the 1950s. “Finally, we have the big bucks to build bombs that can take out entire cities of towelheads or chinks without them initially suspecting a thing,” said one U.S. Army bio-scientist. “Within 30-seconds the cholinesterase inhibitor seizes brain function and terminates transmission of nerve messages along the spinal cord. Muscles freeze, breathing stops, and the epidermis melts off. But that’s not the worst part — you can’t hold your bowels.”
8. Laser-Equipped Sharks: “I’ve always wanted sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads,” said one Navy Admiral when asked what his #1 weapons wish would be. It looks like he’s going to get that wish now that Mr. Trump has authorized nearly unlimited military spending. The Navy has already tested a laser gun mounted to the skulls of Great White sharks and they are thrilled with the results. They say the weapon could be used against enemy submarines, frigates, and light destroyers. The only problem the admiral can foresee is “Greenpeace or some other waterborne pacifist activists getting in our way.”
9. Thermonuclear Head Bombs: For years, the military has been frustrated by Islamic suicide bombers…until now. The Thermonuclear Head Bomb will allow American special forces to infiltrate terrorist cells as disguised Islamic fighters. At the very moment the suicide bombers are leaving their dark caves or dusty hideouts to sacrifice themselves, special forces team members will remove their Thermonuclear Head Bombs, throw them, and run like hell. KABOOM — no more bomb-building Bin Ladens!
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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
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Thank you.
–AI
