There’s a leak coming from the Oval Office. And it’s likely the work of one of the culprits below.
White House, if you’re listening, you should waterboard the shit out of every person, place, or thing on this list and make them tell you who they’re in cahoots with. Because I’m smelling cahoots all over this nasty leaking business.
Here you go:
MIKE PENCE: Who has more to gain from the collapse of Trump’s presidency than the man most likely to step into his shoes? Answer—no one. The already marginalized Bible thumper has kept himself out of the limelight, but very much in the thick of things, opening the hose whenever he thinks the damage will be maximal, leaking secrets to the media drip by painful drip, while flashing his country boy, “praise Jesus” smile and quietly nailing Trump to the cross. Amen.
REINCE PREIBUS: Anyone else notice that the spillage seems to have gotten worse after former Chief of Staff Preibus was escorted through the South Gates last week? How much would the maligned RNC loyalist love to humiliate Pudgy McTrumpcake with lurid details about his spectacularly failing White House, the details of which Reince just happened to record daily in his big fat private diary? I’m pretty sure he’d love that a lot.
STEVE BANNON: If you know anything about the president’s “resident pustule” you know that he’s focused on no one’s agenda but his own. He doesn’t care about protecting the president or furthering Prima Donald’s incoherent “Make America Great Again” policies. Steve Bannon, who has called himself a Leninist, just wants to turn America into an authoritarian state, with a dictator at its head. And he knows exactly how to get the oblivious Mr. Trump to do his bidding. While he buries the Orange Accident in scandal after scandal via daily leaks, Bannon is destabilizing Trump’s presidency, triggering a state of chaos in America, and opening the door for a determined despot to step in. Now…just who might that be?
THAT FLY ON THE WALL: Actually there are three flies on the wall, but none of them are bugs! Well, yes, they’re bugs, but they’re not insects! Those little arthropod look-alikes are actually very sophisticated listening devices planted independently in Trump’s office by the CIA, the FBI, and the IT guy from TMZ. If you think that’s not possible, then you’re not up on your state-of-the-art spyware, or the Bourne films. Fact is, insect-sized eavesdropping devices are all the rage. And the CIA, FBI, and TMZ are all using them to collecting top secret, TV-ready intel directly from the horse’s ass…I mean mouth.
THE NIGHT SHIFT CLEANING CREW: President Trump hates reading government documents so much, he regularly tosses classified briefings into his Oval Office trash can so he doesn’t have to look at them. And the overnight cleaning crew is the first to retrieve those papers. What the president never counted on is that the cleaning service employed by the White House has many Mexican immigrants on the payroll—and they have a serious bone to pick with the Mango Mussolini. How do you exact revenge on a president who calls your people rapists and criminals? You share the contents of his garbage can with the Washington Post, and then you call yourself, not “Deep Throat,” but “Deep Dust Mote.”
MELANIA: Although she no longer sleeps with him, or even holds his hand, a dumb schmuck like Donald Trump would blab national secrets non-stop to his wife if he thought it might win her back or turn her on. What he doesn’t seem to realize is that Melania hates his guts so much, and wants to return to her life in New York so badly, she’ll gladly topple her husband’s presidency to do it. And after she’s settled in the city, she’ll file for divorce before you can say “Fuckface Von Clownstick.” Just like the Mooch’s wife did. So here’s the deal with Melania —she’s chic, she’s sleek, she’s got mystique…and she leaks!
THE WHITE HOUSE HAIRDRESSER: The president’s hairdresser visits him every morning at 6am to brush out the cotton candy, and she always assures the combover con artist that, “what’s said in the chair, stays in the chair.” The president, knowing his coiffure for 22 years and trusting her utterly, opens up big time. But he shouldn’t. Because by 7am, she has packed up the heavy-duty hairspray, driven across town to the Associated Press’ Washington office, and set the ticker tape ablaze with Hair Fuhrer’s many scissored secrets of the day. And for that, The Donald’s hairdresser receives a very nice supplementary salary.
KELLYANNE AND THE MICROWAVE: Kellyanne Conway was the only presidential aide who knew that the White House microwave ovens had eyes and ears. That was kind of strange, right? But not if you put two and two together, like this reporter did, and realized that SHE IS THE LEAKER! The one trade-off—she gets an overdose of radiation every time she retrieves the recording tapes from the microwaves. And it’s eating her face away, as is so apparent in the photo above.
OMAROSA MANIGAULT: Everyone avoids Omarosa for good reason — the ebony hellcat has a bigger ego than the Donald himself, and would burn down the White House if it would serve her personal ambitions. Why would she leak Trump’s dirty laundry? Because she ain’t no politician and it would open the doors wide for what Omarosa really wants — to become the new Oprah on Donald’s post-presidency TV cable network. Do you really doubt it?
THE CABLE GUY: Who watches more television than Donald Trump? Not a soul on the planet. And when you have a dozen TV’s playing at once, with all those individual remotes, you’re going to need to call in the cable guy— often and for hours at a time. Donald Trump is so used to seeing Mr. Cable by now, he’s like part of the White House furniture. And the president isn’t disciplined enough to keep his mouth shut while the TV technician is fine tuning those many mounted flat screens. And when the cable guy wraps up, he follows the hairdresser over to the Associated Press headquarters, downloads scads of information recorded by the spy cameras mounted into the television screens…and watches as Macho MacGrump has yet another Twitter meltdown. Then he collects his substantial AP check.
STEPHEN MILLER: He calls himself a speechwriter and White House policy adviser, but the man’s no man at all. It’s a machine — Russian-built, able to kill silently, and so loaded with eavesdropping equipment it could double as an effective spy satellite if it was launched into orbit tomorrow. Vladimir Putin controls the Stephen Miller unit with a remote joy stick that’s more sophisticated than your Xbox Elite Wireless Controller. And Putin has been recording audio and video of everything that has happened in the Oval Office since day one via the electronic eyes and ears of the dastardly Miller automaton. You want to know who’s gathering intel, then leaking it to destroy the presidency? Look no farther than the Kremlin. They’ve always had the motivation — to vanquish America. And now they have the means—the cyborg Stephen Miller.
THAT PORTRAIT OF ANDREW JACKSON HANGING OVER THE PRESIDENT’S DESK:
Little known fact: Mr. Trump’s decision to hang a portrait of President Jackson in the Oval Office did not emanate from The Great White Dope’s unbridled affection for Potus7. It was engineered by the chief librarian at the Library of Congress, who is the keeper of the official presidential portraits. Like the Knights Templar guarding the Holy Grail, the head librarians were charged by the Founding Fathers at the time of our nation’s birth with protecting the institution of the American presidency. If they ever saw some Benedict Donald undermining the office, it was their job to intercede. In modern times, leaking information to the free press about evil and corruption spreading through the White House is the smartest way to do that. And the presidential portraits, of course, are their inconspicuous spies. Just watch President Andrew Jackson’s eyes the next time Donald Trump addresses the nation from the Oval Office. Seriously, just…watch…those…eyes.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.
I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.