Truth In Satire

The 10 Real Reasons Why Melania Trump Wears Black Stilettos To Every Event

After harsh criticism for dressing in high heels while visiting Texas flood victims, the First Lady explains why it’s necessary

Image for post
Off to tread Texas floodwaters in her Manolo Blahniks. (Credit: footwearnews.com)

First Lady Melania Trump was mocked mercilessly on the Internet for wearing sky-high, spiked heels on her way to assess the flood damage in Texas and comfort victims of Hurricane Harvey.

Image for post
Melania, momentarily safe from stepping her husband’s verbal excrement. (Credit: footwearnews.com)

But the fact is, Mrs. Trump wears black stilettos to virtually every event she attends with President Donald Trump, and it isn’t a fashion statement. It’s for very practical reasons.

Here are the ten rationales she gave Slovenian fashion magazine, Slovey Style, back in February of this year. Slovenia is the First Lady’s country of origin.

  1. “As you know, my husband is the greatest bullshit artist in the world. If I didn’t have on 4-inch heels most of the time, I would step in Donnie’s dung daily. That would be very unpleasant.”
  2. “High heels accentuate my height, stature, and slim profile. They make me look very thin while standing next to my husband, who should really be called HIPPOPOTUS, not POTUS. This svelte, graceful line allows me to maintain some measure of class and dignity no matter what stupidities are spewing out of the mouth of President Podger.”
Image for post
Hell hath no fury like a woman wearing shiv-like high heels. (Credit: popsugar.com)

3. “Although it is early in his presidency, my husband is rapidly proving to be a kind of Lucifer in president’s clothing. If he is, in fact, the Satan of Fifth Avenue as so many people believe, chosen by dark lords to destroy the world, I had better be every bit his equal. And that’s why this she-devil not only wears Prada, but Blahniks and Valentinos, too.”

4. “Leaking vital information to the press is one of the most precious survival tools at a First Lady’s disposal. Pat Nixon was one of the first to discover this. She was the real “Deep Throat” who Woodward and Bernstein relied on to break Watergate open, but the two reporters would never reveal her identity for fear of compromising the leaking power of future first ladies. So how does this relate to my stilettos? Simple — each heel is fitted with a wireless microphone and antenna, the higher the heel the better the reception. The information it picks up is transmitted to my ear through an invisible earbud. All the intel I collect goes directly to Robert Costa at the Washington Post who shares it on MSNBC, primarily with Rachel Maddow. As the Washington Post’s primary White House source, I have tremendous political influence and can buy many favors.”

Image for post
“Heel, you thickheaded, fat-assed imbecile, heel!” (Credit: Pinterest.com)

5. “Very few people are aware of this, but all the interior windows looking onto the Oval Office have a bottom sill set at precisely 5'9.'’ When I’m spying on the president and his inner circle for foreign countries that I cannot name, but would once have been part of the former Soviet Union, my one-of-a-kind, 6-inch Stuart Weitzmans give me just enough clearance to read the lips of all the power players in the room. For that reason, my shoes are my most valuable items of wearable spyware.”

6. “High heels also exaggerate my breasts, hips, and buttocks, requiring men to gaze at me, making them putty in my fists. When I have their attention, and their obedience, I can demand anything of any man. How do you think I got my imbecile of a husband to run for president? And who do you think engineered his victory? Me and my Manolos, baby!”

Image for post
“Watch your hands, buddy, I wear lethal footwear.” (Credit: mirror.co.uk)

7. “Stilettos deliver very good puncture wounds. If someone were to try to grab my pussy when I wasn’t looking, or I were repulsed by the male aggressor, in general, a swift kick with a spiked heel to the eye socket would stop any advance.”

8. “If you know your shoe history, you know that throughout time one of the chicest ways to convey privileged status was to wear impractical, uncomfortable shoes that said, ‘I don’t do manual labor and I don’t ever have to walk far.’ When I step out in my stilettos, everyone knows that I’m the American version of royalty and that I’m going to be riding in a limousine, thank you very much. As a child in Slovenia, I worked the fields from dawn to dusk in heavy work boots. I won’t ever be doing that again, and I want everyone to know it. My Louboutins say it loud and clear.”

9. “While, as I mentioned, I will never again be on my hands and knees picking potatoes in Slovenia, I still have an appreciation for agriculture and I know a lot about cultivation. Anyone who has spent any time on a farm as I have, knows that the best way to aerate soil is to walk on it with high heels. That’s why I regularly jog in my 5-inch Alexandra McQueens over the South Lawn. So good for the turf and wonderful for my calves, too!”

Image for post
The First Lady giving the South Lawn a good airing out. (Credit: Inquisitr.com)

10. “I certainly hope it never comes to this, but someday, with my cretin of a husband waving his short, pudgy fingers over the nuclear button, we all may need our cyanide capsules to end the horrific pain of melting faces. Of course, the Secret Service keeps all lethal weapons away from members of the First Family. That’s why I file the heels of my Jimmy Choos down to a razor sharp point. One quick strike to my carotids and it will be over for me in a heartbeat. This would also come in handy if my ‘work’ for Vladimir were to ever be discovered.”

Author’s Note: I have been criticized in the past week for writing satirical posts about the destructive and deadly hurricanes that have hit the U.S.. It’s true, I’ll try to find humor in anything and I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone. That said, if you must sandbag your home against floodwaters, it is best to stack Republicans in the path of the surge because they are heavier, thicker, and less likely to budge.

****

I want to thank all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store