Truth In Satire

Terrified Jews In Trump’s Administration Explore Surgery To Reverse Circumcisions

As president reveals strong neo-Nazi sympathies, Kushner, Miller, and others in his inner circle consider ways to disguise Jewishness

Jewish men in the Trump administration, like Stephen Miller and Jared Kushner, are exploring foreskin reconstruction surgery. (Credit: Pressherald.com)

With President Donald Trump coming clean about his alliance with neo-Nazis and staunch support of white supremacists, Jews serving in his inner circle are becoming increasingly nervous.

Male orthodox Jews working in administrative roles at the White House are said to be dumping their yarmulkes in desk drawers whenever Mr. Trump is in the vicinity. They also cover their prodigious noses with their hands when he walks by.

Soccer player David Beckham, whose maternal grandfather was Jewish, won’t be sporting his yarmulke on his next visit to the Oval Office. (Credit: chatterbusy.blogspot.com)

Gary Cohn, the director of the president’s National Economic Council, told White House Chief of Staff John Kelly this week, “Of course I’ll be working over the Jewish holidays in September, John, why wouldn’t I, I’m not Jewish.”

Mr. Cohn is Jewish.

Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller, Jewish aides to the president who are in contact with him daily, have even discussed the possibility of reversing their circumcisions through foreskin restoration surgery. Circumcision, adopted by Jews as a religious ritual, was one way that the Nazis identified men of Semitic background as Hitler’s army marched across Europe during World War II.

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, a nice Jewish boy from New York, has also sworn off his beloved lox-and-bagel breakfast, which he often eats in the executive offices at the White House. He has switched to Fruit Loops with chocolate milk — President Trump’s favorite breakfast.

Steve Mnuchin looking frightened as Aryan leader Donald Trump asks him if he has lox and cream cheese on his lips. (Credit: businessinsider.com)

One Jewish sous chef employed in the White House kitchen, speaking off the record, said, “I’ve wiped all Yiddishisms from my vocabulary. No more calling people schmucks, shmendricks, or shiksas. And it’s going to be khakis and polo shirts from now on — I can’t be seen in outfits that look too ethnic anymore.”

“I’m so scared the president is going to find out I’m Jewish and then have me run over by a speeding car,” whispered an attractive Jewish intern who has spent the summer working in the communications office, “so I started blowing a lot of the younger staff members in the men’s West Wing bathroom. Everyone knows Jewish girls don’t give head, so this is the best smokescreen I could come up with.”

Mezuzah cases like this one are being pulled from doorways by prudent Jews who have seen this movie before. (Credit: www.interfaithfamily.com)

Even daughter Ivanka Trump, who converted to Judaism when marrying Mr. Kushner, thought it prudent to remove the mezuzahs — small parchment scrolls inscribed with biblical verses that bless a Jewish family’s residence — from the doorways of her homes in Washington and New York.

“There isn’t an anti-Semitic bone in Daddy’s body,” said Ms. Trump, “but there’s no sense in rubbing Kosher salt into his wounds over this Charlottesville mess. So, for now, the mezuzahs must go.”

Other Jews living in and around Washington, D.C. are also said to be ripping the mezuzah cases from their doorposts.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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