Truth In Satire

Ted Cruz Refuses To Take DNA Test To Prove He’s Human, As LED Lights Flicker Behind His Eyeballs

Republican Senator calls challenge to prove he’s not a cold, callous, inhumane robot an insult to his programmers

Image for post
Image for post
Sen. Cruz speaking with reporters after a constituent called him out for his cold-hearted healthcare policies. (Credit:

ed Cruz was challenged by a Texas constituent on Tuesday to take a DNA test proving that he’s human after the Republican senator voted multiple times to limit affordable healthcare to those who desperately need it.

“If he has a conscience, no one in our state has seen it yet,” said Tammy Talpas, the woman who asked the Republican senator to submit to DNA verification.

Ms. Talpas is feeling threatened by Mr. Cruz’s callous disregard for patients with pre-existing conditions who will not be able to get coverage under the high-risk pool system he advocates.

Image for post
Image for post
At a 2016 campaign event, Mr. Cruz’s skin began to peel away revealing robotic circuity. Aides were able to push the senator’s head back together quickly. (

Sen. Cruz appeared taken aback and then angered by Ms. Talpas’ challenge responding, “Well, ma’am, if you want to engage in insults, that’s your prerogative, but I don’t think the talented programmers who made me who I am today deserve hostile words like that from you.”

The senator then aimed some sort of red laser device from his right eyeball toward Ms. Talpas before an aide rushed in and slapped Mr. Cruz across the face, disarming the ocular weapon.

The blow appeared to cause a short circuit in the senator’s speech mechanism, however, as he began speaking gibberish. He was abruptly whisked to a back room where his staff performed a software reboot. He returned ten minutes later with a frozen smile on his face as he delivered canned answers to reporters’ questions about his position on healthcare.


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.


Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store