Truth In Satire

A 12-Point Checklist Of Things You’ll Need To Survive The Rest Of Trump’s Presidency

Spring is a good time stock up on these vital Trump trumping supplies for your home, office, or camper

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A nuclear war is nothing to joke about, no matter how casually the president might tweet about it. Which is why you’ll want to have a Geiger Counter in the house at all times for early detection of lethal radiation levels.

nless special counsel Robert Mueller prevails, these last two years of the Trump presidency will not be easy ones. But with a little planning, some light precaution taking, and a good dose of pluck, we can all survive, and live to rise again.

Be prepared with…

  1. HIGH-QUALITY EARPLUGS: Invest in a pair of Ohropax brand earplugs for every member of the family. Ideal for presidential speeches, White House press conferences, “Thank You, Donald” self-congratulatory gatherings, or anytime the president opens his mouth and the sound of his voice makes you alternately shudder with fear and seethe with loathing.
  2. GEIGER COUNTER: When the Last World War begins, you’ll need advanced warning to get your family safely underground. A handy Geiger Counter will give you an accurate reading of dangerous radiation levels before any skin-melting nuclear fallout reaches your home.
  3. RUSSIAN PHRASEBOOK: Many political observers believe that Trump’s cozy relationship with Vladimir Putin could eventually lead to a merger of our two countries. If that occurs, having an easy-to-use Russian translation book nearby could save you time and aggravation, maybe even spare you an extended stay in a gulag.
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The Lonely Planet publishes an indispensable phrasebook for beginning Mandarin speakers that includes a section on how to grovel to Chinese captors and occupation forces.

4. MANDARIN PHRASEBOOK: Many foreign relations experts believe that Trump’s strained relationship with China could eventually lead to an economic or military confrontation between our two countries, resulting in us hosting not only the Russians on our shores, but also the Chinese. If that occurs, having an easy-to-follow Chinese Mandarin translation book could save you time and aggravation, as well as keep you from receiving a protracted sentence in a Chinese forced labor camp.

5. MARTIAN PHRASEBOOK: Many astrologists believe that Trump’s confrontational relationship with the entire rest of the world could eventually lead to earthlings pleading with extraterrestrials for evacuation. If that occurs, having an up-to-date Martian translation book could save you time and aggravation, and possibly prevent you from being vaporized.

6. BULLSHIT DETECTOR: This will be going off incessantly over the balance of Mr. Trump’s presidency whenever someone from his administration is speaking, so be sure to keep it in a place where the constant pinging won’t drive you crazy.

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It’s nothing fancy, but a bottle of isopropyl alcohol — either 99% or 70% — could save you a lot of unpleasantness on those remaining Trump days when you’re covered head-to-toe in “ick.”

7. ISOPROPYL ALCOHOL OR OTHER STRONG ANTISEPTIC: All public water sources are expected to degrade to Flint, Michigan standards once Scot Pruitt and his EPA complete their maximal damage to the environment. With no enforcement agency to intervene, it will be nearly impossible to find potable water or to take safe showers. Several bottles of alcohol in your home will allow you to wipe off that horrible “just-been-sodomized-by-an-orangutan” feeling that will surely blanket your body from time-to-time. Remember, don’t let that “ick” stick. Clean regularly with a powerful antiseptic!

8. LEWIS & CLARK TRAVEL MAP: The famous Lewis and Clark Expedition departed from St. Louis in 1804 and traveled west. But the two fearless explorers originally arrived in St. Louis via Montreal and also mapped that route thoroughly. Reversing their journey, from points in America to Canada, is going to be necessary for many Americans when all hell breaks loose and we need to evacuate the lower 48 and head to the saner, functional democracy of Canada. Keep copies of Lewis and Clark’s comprehensive map, guiding you to safe lands in the north, in an easily retrievable location close to all exits.

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There are many old, rich, white guy disguises available online. We found these useful Koch Brothers masks to be impressively realistic with pliable facial features. (Credit: blog.sfgate.com/morford/2015)

9. OLD, RICH, WHITE GUY DISGUISES: Being Black, Hispanic, Muslim, a woman, a liberal, a member of the LGBTQ community, a vegan, a non-golfer, a fracking opponent, or a friend of Kathy Griffin’s could get you imprisoned — or much worse — over the next two years. A convincing Koch Brothers or Mitch McConnell costume, hanging ready and waiting in your closet, could temporarily confuse U.S. Internal Security Forces (ISS) raiding your home. When the ISS invaders become disoriented, turn and run. (Note: For people of color unable to afford high-end Caucasian disguises, bulk-size containers of Wite-Out might buy you enough time to escape your home and flee to the Lewis & Clark trail.)

10. BIRTH CONTROL PILLS: Liberal couples who are thinking of starting a family may want to refrain from procreating during the dangerous Trump years and take precautions to avoid pregnancy. Keep in mind that children of Democrats, sometimes referred to as “Blue Diaper Babies,” will be required to register with the ISS by March 15th of each year.

11. TWEETER DEFEATER: This new device created by a 400-lb. fat guy lying on his bed in the San Bernadino Valley allows even novice hackers to cancel presidential tweets as he is posting them. Depending on cellular signal strength, the Tweeter Defeater has been effective 78% of the time in beta tests. Nationwide distribution expected by June 1st. Discount for Washingtonians living within three mile radius of the White House, which is considered the optimum “kill range” for tweets.

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No sexual predator can resist grabbing these realistic pussies. Pussy traps can be set to “Ensnare and Hold,” or for a more aggressive and painful deterrent, set them to “Castrate.”

12. PUSSY TRAPS: Mr. Trump says he will play a personal role in instituting his new anti-women policies, which means that he, or one of his sexually deviant operatives, could arrive at your back door for home inspections. Well, grabbers beware! Because these amazingly lifelike pussy traps, placed by your pool’s cabana, near the master bedroom, or on the couch in your den, are irresistible bait to sexual predators and misogynists who will try to grab as many as possible. Can be set to “Ensnare,” “Wound,” or “Castrate.” Remember, when you hear the pussy trap slam shut, never stop to take an Instagram photo, turn and run.

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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