Surgeon General Prescribes Zoloft To 62,000,000 Americans

Dr. Vivek Murthy says “If you voted for Hillary, please come see me — it’s been a month now, there’s no reason to suffer like this”

Surgeon General Vivek Murthy stands among some of the 60 million Americans who are suffering from severe post-election depression, characterized by milling around town unable to function or find their way to work.

The Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Vivek Murthy, is so concerned about the mental health of more than 60 million Americans, he has prescribed an anti-depressant for each of them.

“I have never seen post-election despair like this,” said Dr. Murthy. “Painters, poets, philosophers, and almost the entire populations of New York and California are displaying symptoms of PTSD. It was bad after the second election of George Bush, but this is unprecedented.”

In addition to Zoloft, the Surgeon General plans to write about 30 million Xanax prescriptions “for those who find themselves anxiously worrying about deportation or nuclear annihilation.”

Dr. Murthy also advised that those currently suffering see him as soon as possible, because “in less than two months, the new administration will be treating mental health issues with moonshine and baptisms.”

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.