Truth In Satire

Growing More Paranoid, Trump Calls It “Ominous Sign” That He Is 45th President

Mr. Trump says he “hates that 45 is a sixth positive integer with a prime factorization of the form p2q, with p and q being prime”

Sources say President Trump became pensive and paranoid after doing astrological calculations related to the number 45. (Credit: cnbc.com)

Unbeknownst to his many supporters, President Donald J. Trump is not only a wily businessman and successful TV personality, he’s also an accomplished numerologist and avid student of the occult.

And it’s his understanding of the number 45 that has him spooked.

“Most people know that 45 is the smallest triangle number, after 1, which can be written as the sum of two squares,” said the commander-in-chief, speaking to reporters in the Oval Office. “This is generally considered a worrisome sign.”

A “.45” caliber revolver is the weapon of choice for presidential assassins.

Mr. Trump also points out that the weapon used most often in assassination attempts against U.S. presidents has been a .45 caliber revolver. “This might seem an irrational fear to some, but not if you’re the one looking down the barrel of a Colt .45 in the hands of a maniac intent on terminating your life and mussing your hair. N.R.A. support or not, the Colt 45 connection has me worried.”

Staying on theme, the president-elect mentioned that I-45 is more than just an interstate highway in Texas connecting Dallas and Houston. “I45 is the route President Kennedy’s motorcade traveled several hours before he was shot and killed. Anyone who understands the power of the number 45 stays off that interstate every November 22nd.”

Pope John-Paul I, elected August 26, 1978, was one of only 45 popes who served less than a year. Mr. Trump thinks this could be a portentous sign.

Perhaps most troubling to the increasingly fearful president is a little-known fact related to papal tenure. “The Catholic Church records 45 popes who reigned for one year or less,” said Mr. Trump, “the last one being John-Paul I, who performed the papal duties for only 33 days. Should I be worried about this in my second year in office? I believe I should, yes.”

Asked how the number 45 might play into his decision-making as president going forward, Mr. Trump fidgeted, then responded: “I know where you’re going with that question, YOU THINK I’M STUPID! The traitor Bob Mueller has 45 investigators working for him, he is looking at 45 counts of obstruction and collusion against me, he wore number 45 on his lacrosse uniform at Princeton University, and he received 45 medals for military bravery in Vietnam. You don’t think I know that 45 is Mueller’s favorite number and could spell my doom! I’m way ahead of you bozos on this!”

The president added that he is petitioning the Republican majority in Congress to make him “the 46th President of the United States, thereby skipping the troublesome number 45, and allowing me to get some rest.”

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–AI