Steve Bannon, a top adviser to President Donald Trump who disappeared last August after being fired from the White House, was spotted over the weekend by a cargo ship as he tried to stay afloat in a swirling mass of plastic debris, often called the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
“We were passing the trash vortex, which we have sailed through many times en route from Hawaii to California, when we heard shouting,” said Captain Dimitris Detritus, who was at the helm of the Greek freighter at the time of the sighting. “We looked down and there was this fat guy dressed in a Barbour Bedale barn coat waving at us and crying out that he’s a globalist. We didn’t care about his politics, frankly, we just wanted to save him.”
Captain Detritus said that the crew used a giant metal claw, routinely employed to pull cargo from a dock to the ship’s hold, to snatch the exhausted and debris-covered Bannon from the ocean.
“At first we didn’t recognize him because Bannon is kind of a sloppy guy to begin with, right?” continued Mr. Detritus. “But once the crew hosed the soupy mix of microplastics and resin pellets from his face and hair, we could tell it was the same guy from TV. He asked us not to hurt him, but like I said, we didn’t care that he once worked for that donkey Trump. Maritime laws prevailed and our responsibility at that point was just to get him safely to shore.”
It is not clear how Steve Bannon ended up lost in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, although Captain Detritus says that the former Trump aide reported that he was working in the West Wing one minute, then grabbed by Secret Service agents the next, who tossed him unceremoniously into a White House garbage chute. “Next thing this fellow Bannon knows, he’s caught in the western ocean currents headed toward the trash vortex. Says he’s been there ever since, surviving mostly on the residue from inside thousands of Chobani yogurt containers.”
Mr. Bannon, who was dropped off at Port Los Angeles, told reporters that after eight months of floating at sea in a swirling pile of rotting trash, he wanted to see his family before making any public statements. The former chairman of Breitbart News did say, however, that he’d be dedicating the rest of his life to environmental causes.
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