Truth In Satire
43 More Executive Orders From Stephen Miller That Shall Not Be Questioned
1. The people shall kneel and kiss the presidential ring whenever The Infuriator passes…2. No one shall utter the word “orange”…
3. No man’s hands shall be larger than those of the The Infuriator; all men must subject themselves to finger inspections and minor snipping of digits
4. The Infuriator’s golden hair shall be deemed a national treasure and be kept in Fort Knox when he removes it at night
5. Grabbing of the vaginal triangle shall be granted to The Infuriator by all women regardless of race, creed, color, or intensity of their screams
6. The Infuriator is from this day forward declared the least racist, least anti-Semitic person in all the land, and so it is
7. Cheetos are to be revered as more American than apple pie
8. The permanent record will show that 1.8 million people attended The Infuriator’s coronation ceremony — perhaps more, never less
9. The Infuriator may dip into the public treasury as he deems necessary to protect national security
10. Jus primae noctis (“the right of first night”) is granted to The Infuriator for the duration of his reign, and the virgins shall be happy
11. All government employees shall embroider, at their own expense, The Infuriator’s family crest onto their uniforms, suit jackets, dresses, caps, and undergarments within the first 100 days
12. The tower bearing The Infuriator’s name in New York City shall be carefully measured and determined to be the tallest building in the world, by a lot
13. Golf shall replace baseball as America’s favorite pastime
14. The lady Melania shall receive a government salary of no less than $10,000 per annum (in ruples) for her work as masseuse to The Infuriator
15. The lady Ivanka shall receive a government salary of no less than $24 million per annum for her work as The Infuriator’s mannequin in meetings with foreign dignitaries
16. The man servant Jared shall receive a government salary of no less than $14 million per annum for playing the role of a token Jew who shields The Infuriator from harsh criticism by the Semites
17. The baron Barron is off limits, at all times, to everyone
18. The media shall be nice, and always refer to The Infuriator as “amazing,” “handsome,” “a genius,” or “clearly the best American president we’ve ever had, and you can quote us on that”
19. A parade shall be held every Saturday to honor The Infuriator in all U.S. cities with a population of 100,000 or more
20. No stiff breezes, strong gusts, or sustained winds are permitted within 500-ft. of The Infuriator
21. The Infuriator prefers food with little to no nutritional value — see to it
22. On those days when The Infuriator determines that he will hold a press conference, all television stations in America must air the press event for its entirety, even if it’s like 77-minutes of nonsense
23. When The Infuriator tweets, no other person shall be tweeting at the same time, and only nice responses to his social media messages will be tolerated
24. There is no reason to ask The Infuriator anything more about his ties to Russia, because he has said that there aren’t any, and his veracity in this matter is final and not to be questioned
25. June 14th, the day of The Infuriator’s birth, shall be declared a national holiday and all citizens shall be expected to send a gift of no less than $7585 in value to The White House (Note: books are not gifts). No thank you card should be expected as none will be sent
26. Sean Spicer’s position as White House Press Secretary has been downgraded to Court Jester. Going forward the press shall refer to him as Harlequin, Joker, Silly Sean, or Ginger Spice
27. In the event of a nuclear holocaust, no one is permitted to sue The Infuriator or seek damages for loss of hair, flesh, or sex organs
28. Taxes are to be paid by people below The Infuriator in rank
29. Rosie O’Donnell is, from this day forward, considered an enemy of the state. Anyone who brings her broomstick to The White House guard station will be granted safe passage to a country of their choice
30. Mermaids are real, endangered fish populations are not
31. Due to the national security crisis, all four branches of government shall fall under the authority of The Infuriator…or me, Stephen Miller
32. There is still the faint smell of Kenyan in the White House master bedroom. This will not be tolerated
33. Bone spurs are considered a very serious medical condition that warrants a totally not-fake doctor’s note granting military deferment…and this shall not be questioned
34. The Infuriator knows where everyone lives now, so no one should try anything stupid
35. Rex Tillerson is permitted to use his porn name while conducting the nation’s business, but he is the only one
36. When The Infuriator’s “finely-tuned machine” at The White House needs occasional repairs, no one is allowed to report on this
37. The Infuriator loves the Congressional Black Caucus, which he calls the CBC, and he knows what it is
38. The national bird of the United States is now the bald eagle. The Mississippi Sandhill Crane no longer has that designation
39. There shall be no private or public assembly for purposes of talking unfavorably about The Infuriator. That isn’t fair. All talk shall be flattering, like it was for Reagan. Not Nancy, Ronald
40. This is not a test. This is the real presidency
41. Jeb Bush is, from this day forward, considered an enemy of the state. Anyone who brings his namby-pamby campaign style to The White House guard station for immediate extermination will be granted safe passage to a country of their choice
42. The Infuriator owns all rights to the word “deal.” No one can make a deal like him, because only he can legally say it, since only he can use the word “deal” in a sentence now. That’s how copyright law works
43. The Infuriator shall not only be considered the best president ever, he shall also be given the title of The Last President Ever…and that shall not be questioned
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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.
I read every comment. And I try to answer.
Thank you.
–AI
