Truth In Satire

Stephen Hawking Blames 4-Hour Long NFL Games On “Elasticity Of Time”

Posits new Quark-Gluon Time Sequencing Theory to explain phenomenon of 60-mins stretching into entire Sunday afternoon

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Dr. Stephen Hawking watching highlight reel from 2004 Ravens-Broncos double-overtime thriller that ran for four-and-a-half hours. Afterwards, he called it “a perfect example of my Quark-Gluon Time Sequencing Theory in action.”

Dr. Stephen Hawking, the famous English physicist and author, has formulated a theory to explain one of the great unsolved mysteries of our time — why professional football games scheduled for one hour stretch inexplicably to three or even four hours.

“I am confident that no matter which teams make the American football playoffs this year, my Quark–Gluon Time Sequencing Theory will help explain why most 60-minute NFL games elongate into four hours of dreadfully dull play,” said Dr. Hawking, speaking via computer from his office at the University of Cambridge. “In addition, I think we will better understand the importance of 10-dimensional quantum fluctuations by the time the final whistle blows at Super Bowl 51.”

Asked if increased penalties, time stoppage for referees to review instant-replay, and frequent television commercial breaks would more easily explain the longer duration of NFL games, Professor Hawking replied, “Listen, you little twit, I’m the genius, okay, and if I say it’s due to the elasticity of time, it’s due to the elasticity of time.”

Dr. Hawking adjusted himself in his wheelchair and continued. “I haven’t spent 40 years working on my Quark–Gluon Time Sequencing Theory for you to fuck it up with your wise-ass practical explanations, okay? I’m sitting here crushed into a little ball in this prison of a chair and you have the audacity to challenge me, an Honorary Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts and the Lucasian Professor of Mathematics at the University of Cambridge, you gutter dog? Unless you want to feel the wrath of the Hawking Hammer Hold, I suggest you keep your big American mouth shut, understood?”

Dr. Hawking was invited to attend this year’s Super Bowl at the invitation of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and has received permission to install several sophisticated quantum measuring devices on the sidelines during the game.

Analysis of the data should be completed by early 2018. Professor Hawking’s conclusions will appear in the British Journal of Theoretical Physics shortly thereafter.

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Thanks for reading — AI

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