Truth In Satire

Stephen Hawking Blames 4-Hour Long NFL Games On “Elasticity Of Time”

Posits new Quark-Gluon Time Sequencing Theory to explain phenomenon of 60-mins stretching into entire Sunday afternoon

Dr. Stephen Hawking watching highlight reel from 2004 Ravens-Broncos double-overtime thriller that ran for four-and-a-half hours. Afterwards, he called it “a perfect example of my Quark-Gluon Time Sequencing Theory in action.”

Dr. Stephen Hawking, the famous English physicist and author, has formulated a theory to explain one of the great unsolved mysteries of our time — why professional football games scheduled for one hour stretch inexplicably to three or even four hours.

Dr. Hawking said he started postulating about quark-gluon time disruption while watching the NFL’s longest game between the Kansas City Chiefs and Miami Dolphins in 1971.

“I am confident that no matter which teams make the American football playoffs this year, my Quark–Gluon Time Sequencing Theory will help explain why most 60-minute NFL games elongate into four hours of dreadfully dull play,” said Dr. Hawking, speaking via computer from his office at the University of Cambridge. “In addition, I think we will better understand the importance of 10-dimensional quantum fluctuations by the time the final whistle blows at Super Bowl 51.”

Asked if increased penalties, time stoppage for referees to review instant-replay, and frequent television commercial breaks would more easily explain the…