Legal Lechery

‘We Will Only Stalk Celebrity Handprints In Cement Going Forward’—Stalkers Union Rep.

Major strategy shift aims to reduce arrests of organization’s obsessive creeps and harassing perverts

Allan Ishac
2 min readFeb 17, 2024

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Photo of Scarlett Johannson putting her hands in cement in Hollywood. Humor. Funny. Celebrities. Entertainment. Movies.
The anticipation was high among stalkers to get their mitts inside Scarlett Johannson’s cement hands.(Image Credit: popoholic.com)

Shunning years of unseemly criminal activity by its members, the Stalkers Union announced today a major strategy shift aimed at reducing arrests and restraining orders.

“We’ve been listening to the public outcry as traditional stalking is no longer societally acceptable,” said Dev I. Anto, the organization’s founder and president with 26 prior stalking arrests. “With almost equal satisfaction our members will now only be staring creepily at the sidewalk handprints of hottie Hollywood celebrities in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre.”

Photo of Jamie Lee Curtis putting her hands in cement in Hollywood. Humor. Funny. Celebrities. Entertainment. Movies.
Jamie Lee Curtis’s large, sensual handprints have become a favorite of West Coast degenerates. (Photo Image: Matt Baron/BEI/Shutterstock)

Mr. Anto added, “Touching their cute little pinky fingers with our own prying hands is almost as erotic as peering into their windows at night. It’s a satisfying sensual compromise and far less subject to arrest.”

The Stalkers Union has been actively ogling since the earliest days of Hollywood, periodically going underground until the heat is off.

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Allan Ishac

Bestselling Author. Satirist, Humor Writer at MuddyUm and The Haven. Former advertising creative director. Visit me at allanishac.com.