Truth In Satire

Snubbed President Pens Vulgar Eulogy For John McCain To Be Read In Absentia

Donald Trump, determined to have last word, turns nasty after family of AZ senator forbids him from attending hero’s funeral

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The Whiny Weakling and The Statesman Warrior. Credit: celonzeme.com)

impudent Donald Trump, angry over being spurned by the family of Arizona Senator John McCain, penned a harsh, sulky eulogy for the fallen Vietnam War hero, who died over the weekend.

The president then instructed Vice-President Mike Pence, who will be in attendance at the service this week, to read his words “even if you have to shove Obama and Bush out of the way!”

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Meghan McCain didn’t want Donald Trump anywhere near her war hero Dad. (Credit: CNN.com)

Former Presidents Barack Obama and George W. Bush have been invited to speak at the longtime public servant’s funeral.

Here is the text of Mr. Trump’s heartless eulogy leaked to reporters on Tuesday:

On the occasion of the Vietnam prisoner’s burial (and it’s about time), I just want to repeat a very important point that I’ve made in the past: This guy is not a war hero. He was CAPTURED, and I like people who weren’t captured.

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John McCain gave the president a thumbs down whenever possible. (Credit: politicalforum.com)

He is also not a hero because he refused to support my policies, which I consider VERY DISRESPECTFUL. The truth is, and everyone agrees, I’m the real American hero because under my administration people have gotten VERY RICH. And given a choice between having a senator who fought for a few freedoms and who limped, and a president who has them rolling in dough and strokes a 3-handicap, I think every American would rather be swimming in money and cheering an ACCOMPLISHED GOLFER.

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Unlike President Bonespurs, John McCain was badly wounded serving his country and then returned to American to perform decades of public service. (Credit: apnews.com)

The crashed Vietnam pilot was also VERY MEAN TO ME when I tried to destroy Obamacare, putting his thumb down when everyone else voted BIG THUMBS UP for less healthcare. You can’t call a guy a hero if he goes against all these great policies that we’re putting together to help business. You just can’t. That’s UN-AMERICAN.

I think we can also all agree that he didn’t fight the cancer very hard. If he had, he wouldn’t be dead, right? I don’t have cancer and I’m not dead. That says a lot about me and my SUPER STRENGTH. I’m the healthiest president who ever lived, ask my doctor. The sick guy from Arizona was never president and he wasn’t healthy. Two strikes against him, no strikes against me. I win.

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Mr. McCain was pro-America, not pro-Russia, which upset President In-Vlad’s-Pocket (Credit: http://yalibnan.com)

One other thing, the loser candidate (see presidential election 2008) was a thorn in the side of one of our strongest allies, Russia. Now, they definitely had nothing to do with the Arizona ‘meddler’ catching the cancer due to secret toxic poisons in his oatmeal, but he supported VERY HORRIBLE SANCTIONS against our Russian friends and that was UNFAIR!

And by the way, everybody wanted me to fly the flag at half-staff over the White House for the captive POW. But not in my America! That shows WEAKNESS, which will never happen on my watch. Our flag will stand erect on the White House flag pole just like the one in my pants. That’s manly.

In conclusion, it’s time for everybody to STOP putting the totally captured, weak and sick prisoner of war on a pedestal and refocus on the great job Donald J. Trump is doing for America.

It is TIME TO BURY the Vietnam prisoner asap while together we say, GOOD RIDDANCE, and we get on with celebrating me and my heroic work to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and frenemies for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is driven from office.

I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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