Truth In Satire

Shocking Sexual Allegations Against Seven More Hollywood Stars

Some of the silver screen’s most popular leading men are being accused of “supernatural” sex crimes

Four of the seven leading men accused of sex crimes that seem almost fictional in their extremes. (Credit: Clockwise from upper left, www.popsugar.com, www.8tracks.com, www.entirelybonkers.com, http://fanboysinc.com)

Sexual allegations against some of the biggest names in Hollywood continue to come out, and now encompass seven superstars who many thought were beyond reproach.

BARRY ALLEN (aka Flash): A forensic scientist for the Central City Police Department, Mr. Allen has a disturbing childhood history, which included the murder of his mother when he was a young boy. Psychologists think this trauma might have triggered a “fleeing” response in Mr. Allen, by which he became extremely quick on his feet, “as fast as lightning.” This led him to taunt women who he was courting, as well as female strangers, by streaking past their windows at night, always stark naked. He would also zoom past their offices at work, zip by them as they commuted, and bolt across their paths as they went to yoga class or the grocery store at night. Again, Barry Allen was always unclothed when he “flashed” by them. While this behavior seems somewhat harmless — Mr. Allen never touched the women — all say his sudden appearances were startling and unwelcome.

STEVE ROGERS (aka Captain America): Called “egotistical,” “overly patriotic,” and “idealistic to a fault” by the women he set his sights upon, Steve Rogers, a U.S. military liaison, always appeared to be a gentleman at first, but “a sexually aggressive handful” later on, say the targets of his advances. Claiming that he had been trapped in ice for more than 60 years, the women contend that Mr. Rogers asked them, quite innocently and with considerable charm, to help him lose his “frigidity.” But as soon as they would succumb to his cooing, he would appear in a red, white and blue “supersoldier” costume that included a formidable shield with a star emblazoned on it, and he would spout patriotic parables until the boredom crushed them into carnal submission. Military insiders are alarmed by the accusations against Steve Rogers, but say they will pursue him as they would any man charged with sexual abuse.

ARTHUR CURRY (aka Aquaman): Mr. Curry’s behavior around women was always a little fishy, some people even called him “slippery,” but it came to light recently that the excellent swimmer had more going on in his deep psyche than ever before revealed. Arthur Curry would ask women to take a dip with him in his private pool, which was an unusual 300-feet deep, where he would asphyxiate them once submerged and “squirt water into their nether regions.” While some of Mr. Curry’s deep water victims say, off the record, that his hydrous sexual talents were pleasurable, they also point out that these gestures were uninvited and were made while they were unconscious. The Coast Guard says they have employed a team of expert divers to track down Mr. Curry, who it is believed spends a great deal of his leisure time snorkeling.

CLARK KENT (aka Superman): Raised in Smallville and living in Metropolis in recent years, the crime beat reporter for The Daily Planet is accused of using his x-ray vision to stare at the privates of up to 10 women, including his ex-colleague at the newspaper, Lois Lane. Ms. Lane also says Mr. Kent once incapacitated her with a green substance and licked her armpits, an erogenous zone for natives of Krypton, where it is believed Mr. Kent was born. Investigators are now pursuing leads provided by other women in Metropolis, who say they saw Clark Kent slip into phone booths and closets where he would strip naked and reappear in skin-tight leggings that drew attention to his genitalia. As one of his victims at The Daily Planet said, “Clark wears those erudite-looking glasses, trying to appear refined and gentlemanly, but he never fooled me…the guy is a total creep.”

PETER PARKER (aka Spider-Man): Women across New York City are reporting that Mr. Parker, a freelance photographer, invited them to his apartment where he then “cobbed” them. This was apparently a form of unwanted bondage using a sticky, web-like substance to restrain them to his bed, at which point he creepy-crawled up their torsos. Most disturbing to the women was a form of kinky erotica, by which Mr. Parker would suspend them involuntarily from the ceiling of his bedroom, rocking them slowly as he diddled with their private parts.

ROBERT BRUCE BANNER (aka The Hulk): For decades Mr. Banner has been parading around as a weak, emotionally withdrawn physicist whom the women he pursued say appeared totally harmless. But when his romantic advances were spurned, they report he could become angry, with an almost immediate transformation of his physique. His strained outer garments revealed massive muscles underneath, a swelling which extended to his genital area and a hulking member that has intimidated countless women over the years. Critics are now asking why these victims have only come forward now with their allegations of “hard-on harassment” by Mr. Banner. But the women say his penis turned a bright green, in addition to becoming enormous (some claim it was 3-ft. in length and thick as an anaconda), which was so shocking it left them speechless for decades. Even now, as the women go public with their accusations against the outwardly timid physicist, they say they are terrified that Mr. Banner’s anger will rise up and result in earth-shattering foot stomping and earthquake-causing hand pounding, which the women all say they experienced firsthand.

MATTHEW MICHAEL MURDOCK (aka Daredevil): Matthew Murdock’s blindness gets women to let their guard down, at which point the master manipulator’s other heightened senses take over to put women in compromising positions. His otherworldly sensitivity to heat, for example, allows him to detect when a woman is becoming aroused, at which point he makes bold attempts to dive up their skirts. Likewise, his sense of smell is so refined he can distinguish an increase in pheromones from women and make a move on them before they have a chance to assess their own interest in him. According to his personal physician, Mr. Murdock’s incredible sense of hearing allows him to detect acoustic pressure changes of one decibel, which means he can listen in on conversations women are having in public bathrooms, as well as hear the increased heartbeat of women in his presence — all of which he presses to his advantage when making unsought for sexual advances. Mr. Murdock’s shady but audacious use of his heightened senses have led women to call him “the daredevil dirtbag.”

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store