Truth In Satire

SCOTUS Approves “Reverse Travel Ban” Prohibiting All Citizens From Leaving U.S.

For their own protection, no American will be allowed to venture outside the nation’s borders after July 1st, says Supreme Court

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You can now use your passport for toilet paper. (Credit:

a landmark 5–4 decision on Tuesday, the conservative members of the Supreme Court added a more vigorous dimension to President Trump’s travel ban by deciding that not only will people from predominantly Muslim countries be barred from entering the United States, but U.S. citizens will now be barred from leaving.

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They’re smiling now but they won’t be when SCOTUS vacation time rolls around. (Credit:

“This Reverse Travel Ban builds a new level of security into Mr. Trump’s run-of-the-mill travel ban,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority. “It ensures that Americans will no longer be threatened by Muslims entering the U.S., while keeping our citizens safe by preventing them from traveling anywhere outside our borders.”

While this does not appear to be the ban that President Trump asked for in September 2017, it actually goes much further. The Supreme Court’s decision, along with a wall on our southern border and an electrified fence on our northern boundary with Canada, would essentially seal the United States from anyone entering or exiting.

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The judges called Mr. Trump’s own travel plan “ordinary and unremarkable,” while giving their plan an A+ for creativity. (Credit:

“This is so great for making our borders super leak-proof in either direction,” said the president. “And now the U.S. tourist dollars that were going to disappear into nasty countries like France, Germany, and especially Canada can stay right here in America, boosting up our economy.”

President Trump did not appear to grasp that a sealed border would restrict free trade with other nations while imprisoning Americans in their own country.

“We have to have strong borders, very strong, the strongest in the world,” said Mr. Trump at a White House press briefing after the SCOTUS decision. “If a few Americans are inconvenienced and forced to change their vacation plans this summer, I think we can all agree it’s a small price to pay for the promise of no Muslims on our doorstep.”

The Reverse Travel Ban will be implemented on July 5th allowing Americans one more July 4th holiday to enjoy traveling abroad.


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