Truth In Satire

Saying They’re Worried Sick, Five Former First Ladies Ask, “Where’s Melania?”

The FLOTUS FIVE issued an urgent appeal to their successor — “Please send word!”

Michelle Obama, Laura Bush, Hillary Clinton, Barbara Bush, and Rosalynn Carter could kick Trump’s ass. But that’s another post altogether, sorry.

Like everyone else in America, the five living First Ladies are concerned about the mysteriously missing Melania Trump.

Melania Trump has not been seen or heard from since shortly after the January inauguration of her husband. The five former First Ladies think that she may be in distress.

According to Barbara Bush, wife of George H., the FLOTUS FIVE, as they are now referring to themselves, have been in constant touch with each other to share information about the current First Lady’s whereabouts, health, and safety.

“We haven’t heard a peep from Melania since Inauguration Day,” said Mrs. Bush, clearly agitated. “Generally, First Ladies stay closely connected, in part to help the newbie through the first 100 days. We’re not like the men, playing their silly power games. We women have each other’s backs.”

“Melania, dear, if you can hear my voice send an Instogram, a Snapchop, or a short Faceplant message and let us know you are safe.”

“I haven’t been able to sleep, I’ve been so worried about Melania,” said Rosalynn Carter, wife of President Jimmy Carter. “Here’s a girl from a foreign country, unfamiliar with the vicissitudes of politics and the ways of Washington, and immediately she’s thrust into the spotlight, surrounded by crass, neo-Nazis screaming about immigrant deportations. Lord Jesus, she must have been scared to death, the poor girl — not just for herself, but for her young son.”

Hillary Clinton believes that Melania might be a tragic casualty of “Russia-gate.”

“This might sound overly dramatic, but I’m frankly concerned for Melania’s life,” said Hillary Clinton, who has only recently begun making public appearances again. “The first question I ask myself is, did she know too much, was she a witless pawn in the Russian election scandal who simply showed up at the wrong place at the wrong time? I mean, she is from Slovenia. Could it be that she was innocently facilitating contact between her husband and Putin and walked right into one of Vlad’s poison pills or took an untimely dive from the penthouse terrace at Trump Tower? You can call me paranoid, but I wouldn’t put anything past Putin, Donald, or their lawless, despicable band of thugs. Who would know this better than me?”

“I’ve worked damn hard on these biceps,” says Michelle Obama, “and if Melania is in any kind of trouble at all, I’m ready to put them to work.”

“Even if Hillary is overthinking things a bit, and Melania’s life is not in danger, they could still have her forcibly locked up somewhere,” said Michelle Obama, “maybe in Trump Tower, or worse in the basement of the White House where there are so many rats skittering around, I forbid Sasha and Malia ever to go down there. That’s my worry, that she’s being detained against her will, or force-fed Cheetos, or waterboarded without her bikini on.”

Mrs. Obama continued with a facial expression that betrayed her disquiet. “I knew when the Trumps arrived at The White House the morning of the inauguration, and Donald walked 20-feet ahead of his wife, that I was looking at some sort of slave-master scenario. I just don’t think this young lady is being treated properly, and if she is in some sort of peril, either from physical abuse or uninvited Donnie grabbing, the FLOTUS FIVE are ready to act.”

“The other girls think that some sort of harm has come to Melania,” said Laura Bush, FLOTUS 43, “but I don’t. I do believe she is missing, yes, but I think she left of her own accord. Wouldn’t you if you were married to that awful man?”

To underline Mrs. Bush’s point, a recent Gallup poll of American women revealed that 98% of them would leave Donald Trump if they were his wife, girlfriend, housekeeper, hairdresser, administrative assistant, mother, Secretary of Transportation, mistress, manicurist, daughter, 7th grade history teacher, lawyer, golden shower escort, or Director of Hospitality at any one of his casinos or golf clubs.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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