Truth In Satire

Roy Moore Stunned Trump Hasn’t Reached Out Since Election: “That’s Not Christian!”

Defeated Alabama candidate says: “We shared groping stories, we laughed about the fake sexual allegations — now, nothing”

Already despondent after his stunning loss in the Alabama special election for U.S. Senate, Judge Roy Moore says that he hasn’t heard a word since the election from his political ally and friend, President Donald Trump.

“I just don’t understand it,” said Moore, speaking with reporters on Thursday, a few days after suffering a humiliating defeat in the rubiest red state in the nation. “The president and I share so much history together, what with the sexual allegations and all, and we were getting along just great. Then, suddenly, he doesn’t call, doesn’t text, doesn’t even tweet about me. What kind of friend is that? It’s almost like he was just using me for his own political purposes.”

Moore says that he spoke with Mr. Trump, or to one of his aides, every day before the election, sometimes more than once a day, and then all contact abruptly ceased. “Maybe that’s how they do friendship up north, but down here in Alabama we don’t kick a man to the curb when he’s down.”

Asked if he had heard from Steve Bannon — the former Trump adviser who became an avid Moore backer — the failed candidate answered: “That’s the other weird thing. Bannon just up and disappeared, too. He won’t take my calls, doesn’t respond to my emails. Steve was one of my biggest champions, came down here a few times to campaign with me, couldn’t say enough good things about Judge Moore. Now I’m starting to think that he never really wanted to be friends in the first place.”

Roy Moore has refused to concede defeat in the election saying that the results are too close to call. He also believes that help from the White House is still on the way.

“Don told me not to worry, that no matter what happened, he had friends in red states, or red countries, I can’t remember which, who could fix things up. So I’m just going to hold on tight here and wait for the president, or Steve Bannon, or Miss Kellyanne to call. I know they didn’t forget me…there’s no way they just forgot about me. That’s not possible, right, that they would just turn their backs on me?”

For his part, the winner of the Alabama contest, Senator-elect Doug Jones, has said that Judge Moore’s unwillingness to concede the election will not stop him from moving to Washington and assuming his Senate seat.

“Roy Moore should do all of America a favor and just go suck it.”


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