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Republicans Agree To Reparations— ‘One Mule Per Black Person, But We’re Skipping The 40 Acres’

GOP settlement does not include mule shed, donkey barn, corral, or water trough

A GOP reparations settlement appears to fall short of righting a 400-year wrong. (Photo by AP; Graphics by Taylor Milller Thomas; Illustrations by Jessie Blaeser

After decades of wrangling, Congressional Republicans have finally agreed to reparations for descendants of slavery, but failed to meet even the modest 1865 standards for restitution.

“We know all about the ‘40 acres and a mule’ thing, but land is at a premium these days,” said GOP House Speaker Mike Johnson. “So they’ll get the ass, but not the real estate.”

Asked how a single mule would make up for hundreds of years of crippling discrimination, health harms, mass incarceration, and excessive policing against African Americans, Johnson replied, “Anyone with a little ambition can use their mule to start a moving company, open a petting zoo, hire it out for kid’s parties, or dress it up as a mascot for Democratic fundraising events. The sky’s the limit, just get creative!”

Johnson was also asked about the practicality of urban dwelling African Americans caring for a mule. “Look, we were clear on this—no sheds, barns, or corrals will be provided. Just take your mule and go.”

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