Truth In Satire

Trump Takes Steps To Avoid Vomiting On Other World Leaders, George Bush-Style

Asian heads of state, however, offer no guarantees that they won’t puke on the president

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First Lady Barbara Bush rushes to the aid of her husband who had just heaved on a world leader. (Credit: www.sbs.com.au)

As he enters his third day of a multi-day trip to five Asian nations, the White House says President Trump is using several barf-blocking techniques to avoid creating an international spewing incident.

The president’s puke prevention plan is a response to an embarrassing incident that occurred in January of 1992, when then U.S. President George H. Bush threw up on Japanese Prime Minister Miyazawa Kiichi during a Tokyo banquet. He then collapsed onto Kiichi’s lap before his wife, Barbara, ran over to stanch the flow of vomit with a dinner napkin.

Trump’s 12 barf-blocking travel tips were provided to him by his White House medical team and leaked to reporters hours before his departure on Friday:

  1. When in Japan, drink only Trump branded bottled water, not the runoff coolant liquid from the failed Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant, which the Japs might offer you. This will help prevent the Hirohito Shits, which is the Japanese equivalent of Montezuma’s Revenge.
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In China, they will place a small pat of butter between you and your host. This is for ceremonial purposes only, made of panda breast milk, and deadly poisonous. Don’t touch! (Credit: www.independent.co.uk)

3. Hide suspect food under your toupee — that’s what it’s there for.

4. To avoid eating potentially toxic local dishes that will make you puke, and to distract your hosts from this breach of diplomatic table etiquette, engage them in a scintillating conversation about your historic election win.

5. Keep the butane micro-torch provided to you by your Secret Service detail in your suit pocket at all times and use it to turn any dish “flambeau.” This will kill any deadly foreign bacteria on your food. If questioned, simply tell your hosts that you developed a taste for all things flambeau while on a business trip to Paris.

6. They love pork in Asia. They’re going to try to feed you pig everything. But your gut can’t fight off the trichinosis larvae like theirs can. The answer lies in sitting next to Jared Kushner at every meal. As an orthodox Jew, he can’t eat pork, and the Asians will respect that. So whenever pig is served, just grab the yarmulke off Jared’s head and place it on yours — instant religious exemption.

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In Vietnam, don’t eat the banh xeo. They’re often rigged with land mines. (Credit: www.npr.org)

7. The Vietnamese never forget. They’ll be angry at you for using a bone spur deferment to blow off that war they hosted during the 60s and 70s. So stay alert. The gooks are famous for hiding land mines inside the crispy folds of their banh xeo crepes. Pretend to take a bite, then surreptitiously fling it over your shoulder while simultaneously yelling “Rất ngon,” the Vietnamese phrase for “very delicious.” If one of the banh xeo crepes blows up behind you, you’ll know you’ve saved your own life and the lives of other Americans seated at your table.

8. Watch for spontaneous retching reactions from Melania before biting into anything other than a Cheeto, a taco, a Lady Finger cookie, or a certified U.S. Grade A beef burger.

9. Air Force One is stocked with a month’s worth of safe and delicious American delicacies. Whenever possible, invite heads of state back to the presidential plane for important meetings and meals. Entice them with the question, “Have you seen the putting green I had installed in the rear cabin?”

10. Always remember that your demanding travel schedule and a change in daily rhythms can stress your immune system making you more susceptible to stomach viruses. Insist that your hosts change their daily schedules to coincide with your Washington-based inner clock instead, thereby increasing their chances of attracting nasty belly bugs, not you.

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Careful, that asparagus could be sauteed Asian snake. (Credit: rcakewalk.blogspot.com)

11. In Asian countries, they eat weird things that you won’t recognize. A stalk of asparagus might actually be a green snake, a mouthwatering poultry dish could be a plump rat, while a yummy-looking grilled fish dish is often thinly-sliced horse hoof that’s been marinated for a month. Before digging in, excuse yourself to use the men’s room, sneak out through the bathroom window, and race back to the aforementioned, fully stocked refrigerators on Air Force One.

12. If at any time you do feel nauseous at a state dinner or a diplomatic banquet, quickly yell “GUN!” This will make everyone in the room scream, duck, or run for cover, giving you plenty of time to toss your cookies into a waiting napkin with no one watching. An international upchuck incident will have been avoided.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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