Truth In Satire

World Can’t Read Putin’s Lips While Locked In Embrace With Trump

Russian leader tries to deny U.S. election meddling on state TV before being overcome by smooch seen ‘round the world

Borrowing from former President George H. Bush, who famously told American voters in 1988 to read his lips regarding no new taxes, President Vladimir Putin yesterday challenged accusations that he interfered in the U.S. presidential election saying, “No. Read my lips: No!”

Unfortunately, it was not possible to clearly read his lips, because at the very moment he attempted to deliver his strong repudiation, Donald Trump leaned over and planted a luscious lip lock on the Russian president that completely obscured the view of both men’s mouths.

Putin seemed momentarily stunned, even annoyed that the U.S. president undermined his big moment on Russian national TV, but then relaxed as the romantic kiss lingered and he soon seemed lost in the passion of Trump’s prolonged embrace and ardent snogging.

In the past, Russian state television has gone to great lengths to deny any romantic connection between President Putin and President Trump. But the White House, and even Donald Trump himself, have not discouraged rumors of a secret liaison between the two leaders, going as far as saying that Mr. Putin prefers red roses over pink (naturally), milk chocolate over 70% cacao, and a few drops of oil of lavender in his bathwater over patchouli.

Today’s public display of affection between the two men will clearly make it more difficult for the Russian government to dismiss whispered reports of an unfolding love connection, a flirtation that is believed to have begun as early as January of 2016, during the Republican primaries.

Anatoly Brushitoff, a spokesman for the Kremlin, speaking with an impish smile, said, “Vladimir Putin is busy running the Russian government. He is focused on that job and does not have time for an illicit sexual affair with another foreign leader.”

Although the two powerful leaders are not scheduled to meet formally before the G8 conference in July, one White House watcher says he believes that Vladimir Putin has already made a number of hush-hush trips to spend amorous weekends with President Trump in Mar-A-Lago.

A series of clandestine rendezvous between the two world leaders would explain the absence of First Lady Melania Trump from public appearances and official White House functions. Some believe that Mr. Trump may have already told his wife about the Putin affair, forcing her hand in starting divorce proceedings.

This affaire de coeur could complicate the execution of President Trump’s conservative agenda, while certainly drawing harsh criticism in Russia, where Vladimir Putin has for years carefully crafted the image of a macho, political strongman and where open homosexuality is frowned upon.

>THIS JUST IN: The announcement Thursday night that former NSA Security Adviser Michael Flynn has offered to “tell his side of the story” to intelligence agencies in exchange for immunity from prosecution is raising questions about whether the close relationship he shared with Putin went beyond their political dealings.

According to a source close to the former cabinet official, Flynn had a multi-year romantic relationship with President Putin and was furious when the Russian leader rejected him to start dating Donald Trump, as the American presidential candidate’s fame and importance grew. The source now believes that Michael Flynn’s sudden willingness to speak to intelligence officials, as well as Congressional oversight committees, is the vengeful act of a spurned lover.

“Vladimir Putin is a very charismatic autocrat,” said the source, “and other men fall in love with him all the time. I’m not surprised that there is a bit of a cat fight going on between Trump and Flynn over the affections of the Russian leader.”


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