Truth In Satire

President’s Caddie Goes Public, Exposes Real Donald Trump In Golfing Terms

Richard Crypter, the president’s longtime companion on the links, offers a perspective on POTUS45 that isn’t always flattering

Richard Crypter, the president’s longtime golf caddie, says of his boss, “Mr. Trump definitely likes to fondle his dimpled little balls. (Credit: palmbeachdailynews.com)

With President Donald Trump spending most of his days on the golf course during his first year in office, perhaps no one has been with him more lately than longtime caddie, Richard Crypter.

His caddie says the president would be a better golfer “if his gut didn’t bang into his strokes.” (Credit: dailykos.com)

Crypter first started caddying for the real estate mogul back in 1994 and has been with him ever since, even accompanying the president on Air Force One from time to time as his baggage carrier.

But it’s on the golf course where Crypter gets to experience a side of Mr. Trump that few of Americans ever see.

We asked the 51-year-old course companion to the president to give us the inside scoop on POTUS45 from a golfer’s perspective:

“Well, one quirk of the president’s I can share is that he always pencils in an eagle on his scorecard whether he’s actually hit one or not. He does it at least once every round, explaining that as the President of the United States it’s his patriotic duty to put a couple bald eagles on his card. That doesn’t go over too well with the other players in his foursome. Haha.

“As a joke, the president will sometimes have his groundskeepers convert a sand trap into a quicksand trap.” (Credit: commons.wikimedia.org)

The president can also be a real prankster on the golf course, especially when he’s playing with lawmakers from the other side of the aisle. Last week he had us turn a sand trap at Mar-a-Lago into a quicksand trap and, boy, Mr. Trump had that blue state senator neck high in fear for a half hour or more.”

And here’s a funny thing most people don’t know about the president. Whenever another player shouts “SIT!” after one of their drives to encourage the ball to stick close to its landing point, Mr. Trump reflexively plops himself down on the fairway or rough. It can take us a few minutes to get him back up on his feet again.

“Birdies and tweets are pretty much all the same to the president.”

The president gets confused sometimes between a birdie and a tweet. That’s because Twitter uses a little bird for its logo, I guess you know that. So whenever someone on the course yells out that he got a birdie, the president asks which of his tweets they’ve received. It can be tiresome, but overall it’s sort of humorous.

Friends of the president who play with him, they’ll often call Mr. Trump a ‘scratch golfer,’ but not because he has a zero handicap. In this case, it’s because when other golfers are ready to move down the course the president is often standing off to the side, staring off into space, scratching his balls — and I don’t mean his Srixons. Haha. So they call him a scratch golfer, but they don’t usually say it to his face.”

Mr. Trump is also pretty well known at his golf clubs for taking a lot of Mulligans. That’s when you give yourself a ‘do-over’ shot because you just hit a crappy one, but you don’t count that stroke toward your score. A lot of guys won’t play with dudes who are always taking Mulligans, but because he’s the president, Mr. Trump gets away with it.

“POTUS doesn’t win any friends when he takes a ‘gimme’ a dozen feet from the hole.” (Credit: allegany.edu)

Another thing the president gets away with is giving himself a lot of ‘gimmes.’ That’s when your putt is so close to the hole everyone assumes the player will make it, so they just give it to him. Usually, no one takes a gimme that’s farther away than the length of a putter. Except Mr. Trump does. Last time I caddied for him, he called a gimme on a putt about 25-feet from the pin and the other players got real angry. The president told them where to ‘stick it’ and took the gimme anyway.”

Richard Crypter also mentioned that the president curses a lot on the golf course, for example, screaming that a particularly difficult back nine is “nothing but a bunch of shit holes.”

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store