Allan Ishac’s Naked Satire

President Will Run Out of Americans To Fill Cabinet Posts By 2018, Census Bureau Says

At current burn rate, the Trump administration is quickly exhausting supply of U.S. citizens able to fill key government slots

With the resignation of Tom Price, President Trump has a dwindling number of Americans to choose from to run his government. (Credit:

The revolving door administration of Donald Trump is burning through U.S. citizens at such a rapid pace, it will exhaust the supply of adult Americans available to fill key government positions by the end of 2018, the U.S. Census Bureau concludes.

“With 25 notable departures since January, and many more expected weekly, the president is working his way through the U.S. adult population so quickly, he’ll have expended the reserves of eligible candidates, at least those who can read and write, by November of next year,” said Peter Markanian, Deputy Director of the census bureau.

Of the key figures here, only Mike Pence and the painting of Andrew Jackson on the wall are still part of the Trump administration. (Credit:

Despite saying he would appoint only the best candidates for important government positions — the “top, top people” in his words — President Trump is having a difficult time keeping even marginally qualified members of his team in place.

“The turnover rate is astounding,” added Mr. Markanian. “Whether by termination or resignation, this administration is definitely breaking records for high-level departures in the shortest amount of time. We’re just concerned Mr. Trump will completely run out of Americans and have to start using foreign nationals to fill open posts, most likely his Russian friends. That would be unprecedented.”

The most recent departure came on Friday, when the Health and Human Services Secretary, Tom Price, joined high profile insiders like Michael Flynn, Steve Bannon, Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, Anthony Scaramucci, and many others as casualties of the crippled Trump presidency.

Prices’ resignation, coming under pressure after he took taxpayer funded joy rides on chartered jets totaling more than $400,000, is worrying U.S. Census Bureau officials who say that American population growth will probably not keep up with the head spinning burn rate in the Trump administration.

By late 2018, this short order cook in Texas will be one of the few remaining Americans available to fill a Trump administration post. (Credit:

“Our projections show that by late fall of 2018, Mr. Trump will be down to a stock room clerk at Staples and a short order cook at a diner in Waco, TX as the last remaining Americans available for key administration posts,” said Mr. Markanian. “I’m not suggesting that they’re not fine people, I’m just saying they might not be the most qualified candidates to run our government. I know this hasn’t stopped President Trump in the past regarding his appointments, but we think this extraordinary turnover rate is going to eventually catch up with him.”


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