Truth In Satire

President Uses Stunning Defense To Explain Long History Of Conspicuous Lying

Trump says he is innocent of telling falsehoods because he has had his fingers crossed behind his back the entire time

After revelations that President Donald Trump has been lying all along about a $130,000 hush money payment he made to porn actress Stormy Daniels, the president says he has been nullifying all those lies by using a time-honored technique.

“Very simple, I’ve had my fingers crossed behind my back,” said Mr. Trump. “Check any photo, go ahead, look at any photo where I am lying and you’ll see, my fingers are extremely crossed.”

The act of crossing one’s fingers is mostly used by children as a gesture to excuse the telling a lie or to nullify a promise being made. Considered childish, it is rarely used by adults and it has never been used to excuse the telling of falsehoods to the American public by a president of the United States or senior government official.

“If Mr. Trump thinks he is going to walk into Robert Mueller’s office, or any court of law in this country, and be excused from perjury because he’s been crossing his fingers behind his back, he has a rude awakening coming to him,” said Lloyd Childer, a former U.S. attorney for the District of Columbia. “Frankly, it’s the most infantile and absurd defense for a history of pathological lying that I have ever heard, and any judge who Trump tries to pull that on is going to laugh in his face first, then lock him up next.”

When asked on Thursday if President Trump really believes that finger crossing will absolve him of guilt for months of conspicuous lying while in office, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded, “As everyone knows, when your fingers are crossed behind your back, it invalidates the lie you just told. The president and his outside lawyers believe that any court that hears this argument will absolutely agree. Next question…”


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