Planning ahead for Hurricane Irma, barreling toward Puerto Rico and the east coast of Florida as a Category 5 storm, President Trump laid out ambitious plans yesterday to ensure that he and his family will generously benefit from the potential catastrophe.
Here are the 10 initiatives Mr. Trump outlined in his disaster plan for Hurricane Irma:
- Printing up another 50,000 “USA” and “Make America Great Again” hats and dropping the price from $40 to $35 because “Even though the Puerto Rican economy sucks, I want to be sure everyone down there can afford at least one of my feel good hats. I’ve also instructed Melania to reduce the price of her FLOTUS caps. This should provide some instant relief when the storm hits.”
2. Shipping 300,000 meals from the Trump Tower Grill, where “the best taco bowls are made,” to San Juan at a deep discount. The president added, “I love Hispanics!”
3. The president will offer a great package of incentives for any Jewish residents who wish to move out of Florida before the storm hits, “but they must act fast and no whining about where I send them.” Mr. Trump said most would be relocated to ruby red states in the West where their traditionally left-leaning votes wouldn’t matter. He added that the incentives would likely include “a box of premium Trump steaks and five slot tokens per Jew to be used at any one of my Trump casinos.”
4. Mr. Trump announced a partnership with Britain’s Hunter boot company to offer a Hurricane Irma special on its Original Wellington Tall Matte style rain boot which Mr. Trump called “a favorite of the Trump family.” He also acknowledged Hunter’s merchandising department for “their quick response in putting a collectible ‘Trump Gives The Boot To Irma’ hang tag on every pair of these high quality Wellies.”
5. The president appreciates that a storm of this magnitude can be traumatic for victims in its path and they will need to rest and unwind after Hurricane Irma dissipates. He also believes that there is no better way to relax than with 18 holes of championship golf. That’s why he is happy to offer storm victims annual memberships to any one of his state-of-the-art Trump golf clubs with ONE MONTH FREE! This includes membership to his bankrupt and shuttered Trump International Golf Club Puerto Rico, where new golf club members are free to play at their leisure with the understanding that the club is not responsible for injuries due to zero maintenance on the course for the past two years.
6. Elimination of flood insurance for Puerto Rico, Florida and, retroactively, for Texas residents is the president’s compassionate way of keeping insurance companies solvent in the future. “I’m a real estate developer. I know where the flood prone areas are and I don’t build there, just like people shouldn’t live there. This is tough love, I know, but necessary and all will thank me when they’re forced to move to a nice desert location where floods will never be an issue for them again.”
7. The availability of clean water is always a problem after a major rainfall that threatens to floods rivers and overwhelm reservoirs. President Trump has ordered 300,ooo cases of his “pure as rain” Trump Natural Spring Water to be trucked into hard hit areas. Each bottle is emblazoned with the smiling, reassuring face of the president. First responders will have spring water priority, followed by NRA cardholders, and whites third.
8. Saying that “within every disaster is a golden opportunity,” the president announced a “Blowout Buy-Back Program” for his immediate family, cabinet members, and White House staff authorizing them to purchase post-Irma, condemned properties in Puerto Rico and Florida at one cent on the dollar, with no property taxes for 25 years. Republican congressional representatives will also be considered for the “Blowout Buy-Back Program” on an individually-considered basis.
9. For any South Florida residents displaced by the storm, Mr. Trump is offering a 10% room discount at the Trump International Beach Resort in Miami with its own private beach and grotto-style pool complex. (Note: One room per displaced family. Offer ends immediately upon Hurricane Irma being downgraded to a Category 1 storm by the National Weather Service.)
10. In some areas hit by Hurricane Irma, personal property loss will be a major factor, like clothing damaged by rising floodwaters. The president is ready to assist with storm slashed prices on all Donald J. Trump Signature Collection suits, dress shirts, and ties. Daughter Ivanka will also be dropping the price tag on her stunning line of office and evening wear for women. The president tweeted, “No man or woman should miss a day of work because they don’t have the right attire. Irma be damned — you can still look and feel great in Trump branded apparel!”
Author’s Note: I have been criticized in the past week for making light of the destructive and deadly hurricanes that have hit the United States. It’s true, I’ll try to find humor in anything and I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone. That said, if you must sandbag your home against floodwaters, it is best to stack Republicans in the path of the surge because they are heavier, thicker, and less likely to budge.
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