Truth In Satire

President Said To Be Planning Escape From U.S. During Super Bowl

With threat of an indictment looming, Mr. Trump tells family he’ll flee to Havana “while everyone is distracted watching the game”

President Donald Trump has reportedly been telling close family members that he is going to escape to Havana from his Mar-a-Lago estate during the Super Bowl on Sunday, “when no one is looking.”

“It’s the perfect time to get the hell out of the country,” Mr. Trump apparently confided to his daughter, Ivanka, and sons, Donald Jr. and Eric. “And from Havana, Vlad said he can get me on a direct flight to Moscow.”

According to an intelligence source who has been monitoring the president’s private conversations using a long-range listening device, Mr. Trump is concerned that special counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation is about to hand down indictments against him, “and if I don’t get the hell out of here now, there might not be another chance.”

When asked about reports that the president is planning his getaway on Sunday, Special Agent Lawrence Cramer, who is the head of the president’s Secret Service detail in Florida, said, “I’m from Philly. Go Eagles!”

Sen. Chuck Schumer, the Democratic Minority Leader, who was also asked if there were any plans to prevent the president from making a run for it, replied: “I know Tom Brady is a controversial figure, but I think he is an amazing quarterback and a true icon of the sport. I’m behind New England all the way.”

The same question about the possibility of the president taking flight was put to Nancy Pelosi, a leading Democrat in the House, who answered, “I’m really looking forward to seeing Justin Timberlake during the halftime show. If Janet Jackson shows up, I swear, I’m going to die!”

In fact, very few in Washington seemed concerned that Mr. Trump might use the Super Bowl as cover for fleeing from justice. Only Christopher Wray, the current director of the FBI, made any reference to the rumors of an escape at all:

“Well, if the president does try to bolt, I just hope he doesn’t do it during the commercials, because I don’t want to miss them this year,” said Mr. Wray. “Did you see that preview with Morgan Freeman and Peter Dinklage rapping for Doritos and Dew…friggin’ hilarious!”

It is unclear how President Trump plans to make his escape from Mar-a-Lago to Cuba, but some are speculating he’ll use one of the pedal boats that are popular with guests at his resort.


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