Truth In Satire

President Running Out Of Qualified Wife Beaters For Key White House Positions

With resignations of David Sorensen and Rob Porter, only a few of Mr. Trump’s “best” spousal abusers are left to choose from

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President Donald Trump reluctantly accepted the resignations of two key White House officials last week, speechwriter David Sorensen and staff secretary Rob Porter, both due to domestic violence allegations.

“David and Rob are great guys, who really packed a punch in their work at the White House and on the home front,” said Mr. Trump on Saturday. “We’re going to miss these fine men and wish them both luck in their careers and passionate love lives.”

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The president praised the two men despite serious accusations against Sorensen by his ex-wife who said he physically and emotionally abused her.

Porter was charged by two ex-wives for being physically violent, too. He gave one of those women, Colbie Holderness, a black eye with a punch to her face.

Donald Trump isn’t the only one in the White House concerned about the lack of available women beaters and sexual assailants for top positions in his administration.

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Chief of Staff John Kelly is also bemoaning the loss of at least one of the men, saying about his former aide, “Rob Porter is a man of true integrity and honor, and I can’t say enough good things about him. He has not only displayed a solid left hook at home, he’s ready to physically take on any member of Congress who opposes this White House. That’s the kind of soldier I want in the trenches with me.”

As President Trump has always said that he only hires the best people, there is now concern inside his administration that the “best of the wife beaters” may have left for greener pastures.


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