Truth In Satire

President Bone Spur Says He Would Have Run Into School Unarmed To Stop Shooter

“I would have rushed in there without a weapon, dodged bullets like Neo in The Matrix, and torn that madman limb from limb”

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The man who avoided military service during the Vietnam War due to a bone spur condition now says he would have run into the Florida school to stop a crazed shooter “even if I didn’t have a weapon.”

President Donald Trump added that he would have been the best person to storm Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, where 17 people were killed last week, “because I’m a very good athlete, one of the best in my military academy, and probably could have dodged bullets while making my way to that madman’s neck where I would have strangled him to death with my bare hands and saved countless lives.”

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The president’s boastful claim does not comport with his past record of avoiding military service by receiving medical deferments for a questionable ailment. Mr. Trump also has a reputation for being squeamish around blood, afraid of germs, and avoidant of confrontation.

But these facts did not stop the president from adding to a litany of exaggerated self-praise while speaking to the nation’s governors at the White House on Monday.

Mr. Trump told the state leaders that if he had been president in 2011 instead of Barack Obama, “I would not have endangered the lives of U.S. Special Forces by sending them into Pakistan to kill Osama Bin Laden. I would have used my stealth training to sneak into the terrorist’s compound alone, slit his throat silently, and gotten out of the country without ever being detected. If you’re a real leader, that’s the kind of stuff you do.”

Before President Trump completed his remarks, he also made clear that he would have stopped the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center by climbing to the top of the the Twin Towers and swatting away the incoming jets with his hands, King Kong style.


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