Truth in Satire
President Crudely Insults 11 White House Reporters In Leaked Audiotape
Petty grievances and personal prejudice appear to be at center of Trumplethinskin’s disdain for certain journalists
President Donald Trump escalated his criticism of the press this week, specifically targeting eleven, highly-regarded White House journalists.
Trump administration insiders have leaked an audiotape of the president airing petty, largely personal grievances against specific reporters. Here are the contents of that audiotape, with time codes:
(Hallie Jackson, MSNBC, 00:29) “I’ve asked Hallie to play spin the bottle with me like 800 times. ‘No, no, no, Mr. President, I can’t.’ I even offer to take her out furniture shopping, still nothing. What…she’s too good for me?”
(John Roberts, Fox News, 01:23) “Roberts walks around here like some sort of movie star, always playing with the hair — Mr. Magnificent Mane. Douchebag. I never even liked him when he was on Days Of Our Lives. I’m probably going to deport him…along with that perfectly combed hair.”
(Major Garrett, CBS News, 01:59) “Major Garrett. Major? Really? Sounds totally fake. I’m sure it is. He faked it to sound military. Back when I was at the academy a lot of sissy pants like him would change their names to seem more bad ass. Sad.”
(Jim Acosta, CNN, 02:23) “Uh, hello people, it’s not Jim Acosta. I just learned it’s Abilio James Acosta. ABILIO! He’s a fucking Cuban, alright?! A Castro spy. Can someone please get the Castro spy out of my press room, like…yesterday?! And pat him down for any Montecristos and Cohibas before you toss him out.”
(Michelle Kosinski, CNN, 02:48) “Kosinski thinks she’s so smart. Yeah, right. A polack reporter. Probably got the job by deep throating some bigwig’s kielbasa. She is kinda hot though. Wonder if she’d be up for a little spin the bottle?”
(Blake Burman, Fox Business News, 03:15) “Blake Burman? Have you seen this guy? Gotta be a faggot. How is he not a faggot? I don’t want these smart ass nancies prancing around my White House. Blake The Flake. Come on, totally a faggot name.”
(Cecilia Vega, ABC News, 03:54) “Hold the fucking presses…Cecilia Vega? Another wetback walking around my White House? She’s obviously illegal! Check her fake ass papers, then get her the hell outta here!”
(Margaret Talev, Bloomberg Politics, 05:06) “Talev, Talev, Talev…what is that, somebody help me here? Moslem? Is that Moslem? Talev was the name of that Boston Bomber, right, the one in the boat? Something like that. She must be Moslem. Let’s get someone to waterboard Ms. Talev Talenoyev…interrogate HER for a change.”
(Kristin Welker, NBC News, 06:47) “So for the whole fucking campaign I’m looking at this broad thinking, who does she remind me of? Then I see Obama up close on television and suddenly it comes to me — she’s mulatto, too! Cookies ‘n cream. Birth certificate’s gotta be out a whack for this Graham Cracker. Reactivate Stephen Miller, put him on this, let that dead-eyed cyborg give that halfro the business.”
(Jonathan Karl, ABC News, 07:33) “I see this goody-goody choir boy looking back me at every press conference and I know he’s just sitting there judging me — ‘cheats on his taxes, doesn’t pay his vendors, grabs pussy, can’t read, taunts Scottish farmers, sneaks a peek at naked underage beauty queens in their dressing rooms, takes a urine shower once in awhile, intimidates tenants, sleeps with his daughter, blah, blah, blah.’ I’ve had enough of that prig moralizing at me. What’s the protocol for getting rid of a mama’s boy in the press corps? Let’s do it!”
(Yasmeen Sami Alamiri, Rare, 08:15) “Alright, listen up…Yasmeen Sami Alamiri. Does that name remind anyone of anything? ISIS, maybe?… reporting from right here in my fucking press corps?! I keep telling you bozos that ISIS is everywhere. ISIS is…ISIS is. Hey, did you ever notice that ISIS is really just two is’s put together? Weird, right?”
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