Truth In Satire

PRACTICAL POTUS POINTER #1: How To Winterize Your Hair

First in a series from President Donald Trump with personal tips and useful suggestions for real Americans (not foreigners)

His beautiful hair is his signature trademark and now he shares his secrets for having amazing locks all winter. (Credit: www.newsweek.com)

Hello my fellow United States people,

This is the first of many articles I’ll be posting on Medium offering a lot of free and valuable advice to help make Americans great again.

Free is good for you because it’s free and it’s good for me because it doesn’t take a penny out of my pockets or that of the Trump family. In my book, The Art of the Deal, I call that a personal win-win.

Today, I’ll be giving you great suggestions for winterizing your hair, because no one knows more about hair than I do.

Here are my 8 favorite hair tips for cold weather:

“Stay in your chauffeur-driven limo to avoid stiff breezes that can do this kind of foolishness to your hair.” (Credit: jackvincent.com)
  1. Avoid cold weather damage to delicate hair follicles by using your chauffeur to take you around wherever you go, thereby dodging chilly winter winds that can lift your front hair shelf, making you look ridiculous at outdoor public gatherings. Also, ask your chauffeur to drive you as close to your destination as possible to avoid flyaway horsetail hair.
  2. The old adage that 100 brush strokes before bed strengthens your hair is absolutely true, and particularly important in the winter months. Get your daughter to do this for you. I use Ivanka. It feels really good. Really, really good. You should use your own daughter.
The president’s pomade is O’Douds and it should be yours, too. (Credit: slickboys.co.uk)

3. Use lots of pomade whenever you step out of your home. By covering your head completely with pomade, thus protecting the hairs from the elements, icy temperatures can’t freeze the follicles or cause them to snap off like dry twigs. I use about a half jar of O’Douds Heavy Hold Hair Pomade per application. This stuff is made with all-natural oils and waxes offering medium shine and that classic bay rum fragrance (P.S. The ladies love it, I can tell you that!).

“My pomade along with my hydrating scalp treatment give me that cool, slicked down look that’s so popular today.” (Credit: dailymirror.com)

4. Along with my O’Douds, I always use a good scalp hydratant to moisturize my roots and control the frizz. I’m sure all of you people know how miserable it feels to walk around all day with the freakin’ frizzies! Nexxus makes a nice line of scalp hydrators.

5. Carry fabric softening sheets to control the static. Static and frizz, they’re the worst, am I right? Sad! By rubbing a fabric softener against your hair between public appearances you can totally prevent unwanted static. Melania told me about this and it’s the one useful thing I got out of her after all these years.

“Make sure you have at least one gay hairdresser.” (Credit: www.dailymail.com)

6. Don’t skimp on hairstyling appointments. I try to see my stylist a few times a day to get my hair looking exactly the way I want it. Of course, my team of four hairstylists have a salon on the lower floor of the White House, which makes it super easy for me to get a quick blow-dry. If you can’t get to your hairstyling team more than once a day, don’t worry. Just carry a portable hairdryer, a brush, your pomade, and your hydratant with you for touch-ups between hourly appointments. And here’s a valuable tip: Make sure your hairstyling team includes at least one gay guy. The gays really know how to work with hair.

7. Don’t sleep. I can’t tell you how important this is and how great my hair has been looking since I stopped sleeping. Without crushing my precious locks against a pillow at night, every hair stays in place all day and night. This is especially vital in the winter when the nights are so long and sleeping deeply can really crush your waves. Remember my adage: Dark sky at night, don’t doze off. And just a quick note: I’ve stopped operating heavy machinery since I quit sleeping, which is prudent. Some of my advisers tell me I should also stay away from the nukes, but that’s out of the question.

8. Cover up with a hat or scarf at all times when outdoors! Oh my god, I can’t tell you how many people are completely unaware of this important tip. I know what you’re saying, “But, Mr. President, sir, you never use a hat.” That’s where you’re wrong. The hair you think you see on my head every day when you’re watching me on TV is actually a hat. It looks like hair, but it’s a hat — a hair hat — and it protects my real hair underneath from getting dry and brittle, and going all hateful split ends during the cold weather.

I hope you’ve enjoyed PRACTICAL POTUS POINTER #1: How To Winterize Your Hair. I want all Americans to start looking great again because, frankly, some of your hairstyles are laughable. Particularly in Alabama. Oh my God, what the fuck is going on in Alabama?!

Anyway, this is your president wishing you a Merry Christmas (yes, it’s okay to say that again) and many great hair days ahead!

PS. Remember, PRACTICAL POTUS POINTERS are free, so don’t forget to thank me by voting for Donald Trump again in 2020! Wow, I’m great.

****

Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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