Truth In Satire

Pence Says God Is Frustrated With Slow Pace Of Mueller Investigation

VP tells supporters, “The Lord knows what the future holds and He wants us to get on with it”

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At a private breakfast held in Indiana for his longtime political supporters, Vice-President Mike Pence expressed disappointment in the slow pace of Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller’s Trump-Russia investigation and the long delay in handing down indictments “that we all know are coming.”

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With attendees applauding almost every sentence, Mr. Pence added that he had spoken directly with God who was also annoyed that Mr. Mueller seemed to be dragging his feet on the inevitable.

“The Lord told me very specifically the other day that he was going to light a match under Mueller. I told Him to be careful because the last time He lit a match it set the whole state of California on fire!” The quip got a big laugh from the partisan crowd gathered in Indianapolis for the closed-door breakfast.

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Asked by one Indiana state senator what his first order of business would be when he assumed the highest office in the land, Mr. Pence said, “I’m going to drop to a knee and pray for our country. Then I’m going to eliminate abortion, hang a few homos, and close the gap between church and state. Finally, I’m going to launch my new promotional campaign, Make America God-Fearing Again, otherwise known as MAGFA!”

The vice-president also told the roomful of enthusiastic supporters that he had assurances from sources inside Mueller’s office that the first of his devastating indictments would be handed down this week and that “President Trump will be out of office by ‘Merry Christmas’ time. I think America is finally ready for an all-white, all-male, all-Christian, all prude administration.”

The breakfast concluded with a barely intelligible prayer by 98-year-old “preacher to the presidents,” Billy Graham who is, incredibly, still alive.


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