Donald Trump is famous for getting very little sleep, which leaves a lot of the night free for making mischief…and even more misery for America.
Here, according to someone familiar with the president’s nocturnal routine, is what happens after office hours in the White House:
7:00–7:15pm: President Trump gets ready to leave the Oval Office, but not before calling in Sean Spicer and Reince Preibus for the nightly face smacking. The president likes to burn off steam at the end of a day by giving each man 30 solid whacks on each cheek. Occasionally, the beating is administered to their exposed backsides with one of the spanking paddles that Mr. Trump has kept from his military academy hazing days.
7:15–7:30pm: After working up a good sweat with Spicer and Preibus, the president steps into his private powder room to reapply bronzer and hairspray. He also likes to munch on a bag of plantain chips he always keeps in that bathroom.
7:30–8:o0pm*: Mr. Trump circulates the halls of the West Wing looking for young female interns who might be working late. If he finds one, she flees, while he runs after her trying to grab her “whatever.” By 8:00pm, he’s generally out of breath from the skirt chase and takes the elevator to his second floor private residence.
*Once the president got lucky after hours with a pig rancher’s wife from Iowa who got lost in the middle of a White House tour. He had his way with her down in the basement bowling alley and did not resume his nightly routine until 8:17pm.
8:00–8:01pm: Mr. Trump spots his wife doing Pilates in her private quarters and quick steps past the door, head lowered.
8:01–8:02pm: Mr. Trump sees Eric and Donald Trump Jr. watching Wild Kingdom in an upstairs den and hightails it down the hall. They sometimes call out to him, but he never slows down.
8:02–8:45pm: The president walks into Ivanka’s White House office, lingers in the doorway flirting, walks in, then usually stays for 45-minutes, always behind closed doors. There are no security cameras allowed in that room, but the groaning and the smell of sweat mixed with make-up are unmistakable. They’re his.
8:45–9:30pm: Mr. Trump calls the kitchen to bring up dinner which he takes in his second floor private dining room, always with Ivanka. Occasionally, Jared tries to join them but the president kicks him out. Literally, kicks him in the ass with his black Prada slippers. Melania has already left by then to spend the night with her boyfriend, Lance (LAST NAME CLASSIFIED–DO NOT PUBLISH), and never joins her husband or step-daughter for dinner.
Dinner: The president generally has the White House chef run down to KFC to pick him up bucket of chicken wings. Ivanka usually has a light salad with a delicate Florentine dressing as an appetizer, grilled salmon with string beans almondine on the side for her entree, and a simple dessert of strawberries topped with a teaspoon of creme fraiche.
9:30–10:30pm: President Trump strips to his skivvies, drapes a silk robe over himself that was purchased at a Tall & BIG Man Shop, then shuffles down the hall to his entertainment room, equipped with 12 large screen TVs. Fox, CNN, and MSNBC are always on. Another replays all 15 years of The Apprentice episodes in a 300-hour loop. Occasionally, the president will glance at the Golf Channel, but no other sports stations. Three other screens are tuned to cooking shows. The rest are set to porn channels.
10:30–10:45: The president calls in his manservant Jamis (LAST NAME CLASSIFIED–DO NOT PUBLISH) to administer the first of two pre-sleep enemas that Mr. Trump’s 5-minute physician prescribed to “unpack” his chronic Cheetos blockage.
10:45–11:00pm: President Trump rings Ivana Trump, his first wife. He has done this every night since 1992, the year they were divorced. He says nothing, just breathes heavily into the phone for 15-minutes and hangs up. Asked about this odd ritual dozens of times in interviews over the years, Ivana answers simply, “That’s The Donald, what can I say?”
11:00pm–11:10pm: Eric and Donald Jr. do a second floor search for their father to say goodnight. The president dashes under a pool table in the entertainment room to avoid them. He waits in silence until they exit the residence.
11:10–11:30pm: Manservant Jamis (LAST NAME CLASSIFIED–DO NOT PUBLISH) rushes in after Trump boys leave to help President Trump out from under the pool table. After much huffing and puffing, and the sickly slapping sound of loose, sweaty flesh, the president is freed. He resumes his vigil in front of the bank of televisions.
11:30pm–12:00am: Mr. Trump phones Russian President Vladimir Putin on an encrypted satellite phone to get his marching orders for the following day.
12:00am–12:30am: The president sends out the first of a barrage of insulting tweets aimed at whomever is on TV at the time — could be Democrats, could be Hillary, could be a world leader or several, could be a celebrity or a celebrity’s elderly parent. The president doesn’t care. And little-known fact: he has an obsessive-compulsive disorder and can’t relax until he sends out 20 vulgar, incomprehensible, or potentially war-provoking tweets in the first half hour of a new day.
12:30–1:00am: The president waits eagerly for responses to his offensive tweet storm, glued to the news channels in hopes of getting constant coverage and dominating the news cycle for another day. If he deems the reportage to be less than he’d like, he prepares damaging tweets directed at his best and most easily-baited targets: Mika Brzezinski and Rosie O’Donnell. It always works.
1:00–1:15am: Jamis (LAST NAME CLASSIFIED–DO NOT PUBLISH) returns to the president’s entertainment room to administer the second of two pre-sleep enemas.
1:15–1:45am: Mr. Trump gets a big kick out of calling members of his staff at this early hour in order to rouse them from their slumber and spout some incomparable nonsense at them until they are fully awake and shaking in fear. He believes it keeps them on their toes. Plus, he gets lonely in the middle of the night.
1:45–2:45am: The president calls his favorite Washington escort service, Diamond Ladytainment, to summons three hookers. He doesn’t know this, but Melania arranged for that very same escort company to keep a suite in the White House basement, well-stocked with young nubile ladies waiting for the president’s call. The First Lady’s reasoning is that it saves Diamond time in responding to the president’s booty calls, while keeping her repulsive husband from ever setting foot in her bedroom.
2:45–3:00am: Once the Diamond girls depart and return to their quarters in the basement, Jamis (LAST NAME CLASSIFIED–DO NOT PUBLISH) enters the president’s private sleeping quarters to wash the naughty escorts’ urine from the president’s body. Jamis then tucks the president into bed.
3:00–3:15am: The president sends his famous 3:00am tweets on whatever subject strikes his fancy. As he is often in a post-coital state of groggy satisfaction at this hour, he’ll sometimes tweet nonsense. The famous “covfefe” tweet was the result of hooker urine in his eye preventing him from seeing his touchpad clearly.
3:15–4:45am: President Trump sleeps.
4:45–5:00am: Jamis (LAST NAME CLASSIFIED–DO NOT PUBLISH) enters the president’s bedroom as soon as he hears the commander in chief stirring in order to supervise his first post-sleep enema of the morning and “gets things moving,” per doctor’s orders.
5:00–5:30am: President Trump returns to his TV room to catch the early morning news shows and make sure he’s featured in every story and appears in every newspaper headline. If not, he grabs his phone and posts a “dumb as a rock” Mika tweet to prime the pumps.
5:30–6:15am: The president attempts to defecate with Jamis’ help. He then shaves and showers, applies early morning bronzer and tends to his bouffant. Jamis assists him in putting on a suit and taping his tie together. The president then walks downstairs to the presidential dining room.
6:15–7:00am: President Trump routinely takes breakfast with Steve Bannon at which time they discuss new ways to humiliate, embarrass, provoke, and offend Paul Ryan, Mike Pence, Mexicans, the FBI, Spicer, Preibus, Donald Jr., the Justice Department, war veterans, Mitt Romney (just for the hell of it), MSNBC, the cast of Hamilton, Anderson Cooper, Arianna Huffington, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Barack Obama, Katy Tur, John McCain, Boeing, the United Steelworkers Local 1999, Meet The Press, The Freedom Caucus, Snoop Dog, Macy’s, Nordstrom’s, witches, bitches, and Gold Star families, to name just a few.
The night is now officially over and another day in the loopy life of our deranged president begins.
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.
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