Trump Takes Credit For Other Famous Walls Around The World
After signing an executive order for his Mexican wall, the president falsely claimed involvement in great walls worldwide
Feeling intoxicated after signing an executive order to begin the building of his Mexican border wall, President Donald Trump let loose with a string of falsehoods, taking full or partial credit for many famous walls around the world.
Here is some of what he said during an hour long cock and bull story in the Oval Office on Thursday.
The Berlin Wall
“Even at the age of 15, I was considered one of the greatest builders in the history of the world,” said the president. “Knowing this, the East Germans came to me in 1961 and asked me how to keep the the eastern Krauts from escaping over to the western Kraut side of Berlin. I told them to throw up a 12-foot-high, 96-mile long wall. Worked like a charm. Very sorry to see it come down in ’89. Sad. And just FYI, even though some people called it the Iron Curtain, I specified no iron in the construction, and definitely no curtains.”
Walls Of Babylon
“You probably don’t know this but Babylon is in Long Island, not far from the beach. The train from the city runs right through the center of town and it’s loud. I mean it will keep you up at night. So the mayor of Babylon calls me because he wants to build a wall near the train station to block out the sound. I told him I’d finance the whole thing. They plastered some horses or something on the brick, kind of ugly if you ask me, but people still call my wall in Babylon one of the great wonders of the East End. I’m amazing.”
Wall of Death
“Vince McMahon at WWE told me he needed to add some extra thrills to his Wrestlemania shows, keep his toothless Billy Bobs entertained. I came up with this huge idea for a Wall of Death — some moron goes around and around a wooden wall on a motorcycle, faster and faster, until he smashes his balls and his bike into little pieces of yokel road kill. It’s bloody and brilliant. Anytime you need a Wall of Death, I’m your man. No one knows how to build walls that kill people like I do.”
“I’ll be honest with you, the only reason I got Trump International involved in this one is because I hate those cocksucking Scots. We don’t usually get involved in stone wall construction, but Theresa May over in England said she wanted to keep those traitor Scots out of her country. I rushed over with my stone masons and we stacked rocks for weeks, built a masterpiece that stretched for 73 miles, from the Irish Sea to the North Sea. If the Scots try to climb over that wall of jagged field stone in those kilts, they’re going to rip their saggy bagpipes all to hell.”
The Western Wall
“The Jews called me about helping them erect a wall in Jerusalem, said it had to be waterproof. Not sure why, but they’re calling it The Whaling Wall, so I’m guessing it’s part of a holding pen for whales or something. Anyway, we were able to bring the whole project in under budget and a century early. I’m telling you, the Israelis love it. They got Jews coming in from all over the world just to touch it, like it’s a shrine or something. These hymies are so overcome, they kneel in front of it and cry for hours. Now that’s a wall.”
“I’ll make this easy for you. Who’s the greatest businessman in all the world? Donald J. Trump. What’s the most famous street for business, finance, and international stock trading on the entire planet? Wall Street. Who built Wall Street? I did. That’s easy to check. Look it up on Breitbart’s.”
Walls of Constantinople
“Vlad Putin got me involved in this job, said he needed to suck up to the president of Turkey, wanted me to build him a big ass wall with parapets, ramparts, the whole old school defensive fortification thing. I told him my Dad built something like that in our backyard in Queens to protect Mom’s roses. I remembered exactly what that wall looked like. This guy, President Erdogan, saw what I created and gave me the full King Falafel treatment. I’m like a fucking hero over there in Constantnipples now.”
The Great Wall of China
“A lot of people ask me how I’m going to build a two-thousand- mile Mexican border wall, that I’m nuts, never going to happen. I say, really, take a look at what Trump International did with The Great Wall of China. I negotiated with the Mings — I think that was the family name — and got them a sick deal on concrete from my supplier, LaFarge, over in France. I laid out plans for a fortification wall that was like 5000 miles long — I’m telling you, you can see this crazy thing from space. The Chinks were so goddamn happy they were offering me rice cakes up my wazoo.”
“Honestly, I hate this fucking thing — it’s disgusting. They should call it the Germ Wall, not the Gum Wall. But my doofus son Eric went out to Seattle when he was like nine, stuck a wad of Bazooka on a wall near Pike Place Market, and because we Trumps are so fucking famous, everyone wanted to do it. Before you know it, the thing turns into a bulwark of bubble gum. Like I said, I won’t go near that vertical petri dish, but doofus needs something to call his own, and he stuck the first piece of chewed chicle up there in ‘93, so I told him he could claim it. When your children are retards, you have to give them something to feel prideful about once in awhile. I know psychology.”
Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall
“Next time someone says I didn’t perform my Vietnam duty, I’m going to punch them in the fucking teeth. Because without Donald J. Trump there would be no memorial wall in D.C. to honor Vietnam vets. In the early 80’s we worked with this Asian architect chick, Maya Angelin, something like that, and she wants to do the war memorial in pink granite. Can you fucking believe it, pink granite! I say, sweetie, go with black stone, and etch the names of the dead into the slab so people can do rubbings. She flipped over that idea, called me a genius, said she wanted to compensate me in some way. I settled for a few BJ’s.”
Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.
I read every comment. And I try to answer as many as possible.