Truth In Satire

Omarosa Manigault’s Last 20 Minutes In The White House

A leaked, minute-by-minute account of the former reality TV star’s forcible exit from Trump’s inner circle

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Ms. Manigault Newman sheds alligator tears one last time, before being forcibly escorted from the White House on Tuesday. (Credit:http://talkradio.co.uk)

Everybody’s favorite TV villain, Omarosa Manigault Newman, was terminated from her job as director of communications for the White House Office of Public Liaison on Tuesday and, by all accounts, her exit was confrontational and dramatic.

The former contestant on Donald Trump’s long-running show, The Apprentice, who inexplicably landed a position in the his administration and was the only high-ranking African-American woman on the president’s staff, is telling a different story. According to Manigault Newman, she was not fired by Chief of Staff John Kelly and was not forcibly removed from the White House grounds.

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Donald Trump’s vicious vixen was despised by her White House peers from day one. (Credit: abcnews.com)

But a leaked Secret Service account of her last 20 minutes in Donald Trump’s employment confirms that the inordinately obnoxious Omarosa was escorted away in a hail of flying fingernails, hair pulling, stiletto heel side kicks, obscenity outbursts, and high-octane physical hostility that had the White House roof snipers on maximum alert.

Here is that minute-by-minute transcript of Manigault Newman’s action-packed, made-for-TV departure:

Secret Service Classified Report
Tuesday, December 12th
Removal from the White House grounds of Omarosa Manigault Newman

4:10pm: Chief of Staff John Kelly calls Omarosa to the Situation Room under the guise that it’s her “one year review.” She believes she is receiving a promotion to Second Consort, perhaps even First Lady, and applies heavy red lipstick.

4:12pm: When Manigault Newman steps into the Situation Room, the 2-ft. thick, double reinforced steel doors slam shut behind her. A pair of beefy, fully-armed security guards stand at either side of the door. A top White House lawyer is sitting at the table with former General Kelly. Omarosa becomes suspicious and the adamantium claws under her fingernails reflexively extend.

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Omarosa’s adamantium claws are similar to those of Yuriko Oyama, also known as Lady Deathstrike. (Credit:xmenmovies.wikia.com)

The guards rest their hands on their holstered pistols as Manigault Newman steps confidently toward the table, slamming the indestructible metal blades on the surface, gauging deep cuts into the heavy oak wood. Kelly and the lawyer recoil.

Omarosa: What…exactly…the fuck…do you think…you’re up to gentleman? And it better be good because I need to get back to alienating lesser minorities before The Donald finds out that I’m gone.

Gen. Kelly: Omarosa, please sit down so we can talk like respectful colleagues and reasonable adults.

The adamantium blades slice through the air, nearly cutting open Mr. Kelly’s throat just below his Adam’s Apple.

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Gen. Kelly is no match for Omarosa’s adamantium fingernails. (Credit: thedailybeast.com)

Omarosa: Fuck sitting down, General. Let’s be clear. There is no one who works harder for Donald J. Trump in the White House than Omarosa Manigault Newman. I was with him before any of you brown-nosing bootlickers had memorized his golf handicap and I’ll be with him long after you spineless toadies slink down Pennsylvania Avenue with your tails between your legs clutching at your pink slips.

Gen. Kelly: The president has asked me, Omarosa …

Omarosa: ASKED YOU WHAT, you cringing lickspittle!?

Gen. Kelly: …to tell you that you’ve done a fine job this past year, but your services are no longer needed here at…

Omarosa: I CAN’T HEAR YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! Did you say my services are the only things keeping this sorry administration from falling on its face? Because that ain’t fake news, asshole, THAT’S THE FUCKING TRUTH!

White House Lawyer: Ms. Manigault Newman, the president has the power to terminate any employee at any time and Mr. Trump feels that your time is …

Omarosa spins to face the attorney, then crawls slowly onto the table like a black panther ready to pounce, slicing his tie off with a slashing motion of her right hand.

Omarosa: Shut your mouth you pathetic, ass-kissing, lying piece of legal fakery.

With a quick nod of his head, General Kelly signals the guards to intervene. As they step forward, Omarosa wheels around, leaps from the table and drives an adamantium claw into the eye sockets of each guard. Both drop to the floor with a sickening thud as they grab for their faces and writhe in pain. Omarosa turns again to confront the Chief of Staff.

Omarosa: Open this door, General, or prepare to be clawing at your own face next, because I’m losing patience. And tell that con man of an ambulance chaser next to you to stop staring at me.

Gen. Kelly leaves his chair tentatively, walks to the steel doors, punches in the access code, and watches as the heavy obstacle creaks open and Manigault Newman slips through. At the same time, he covertly trips a silent alarm at the side of the door.

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The crazy ass bitches of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. (Credit:www.torontostar.com)

4:15pm: Omarosa bounds through the basement passageways with newfound determination, intent on reaching the Oval Office where President Trump is in a meeting.

As she reaches the access stairs to the main floor, she is met by Kellyanne Conway, one of the president’s closest advisers and a consummate liar herself, who, incredibly, also has adamantium claws which are now fully extended.

Conway and Manigault Newman begin to circle each other on the main floor landing, each hissing with a frightening and deadly resolve.

Omarosa: You fucking bitch, I’ve hated you ever since election night when you took my spot on the victory couch next to The Donald. That was my victory seat, my win, and you stole the moment from me, you opportunistic backstabbing shrew.

Conway: I’ve had your number since 2015, you useless, Spanx-corseted, bogus-boobed, political imposter. You manipulated your way into The Donald’s good graces with your feigned flattery and ingratiating grin and now you’re going out exactly the way you should — in disgrace.

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Did you ever have any doubt they were covert killers? (Credit: viralinusa.com)

4:17pm: A high-pitched, stereo war whoop is heard coming from down the hall, and within seconds Ivanka Trump and the First Lady Melania rush in. Impossibly, The Donald’s daughter and wife also have adamantium claws, shiny and sharp, extending from their fists.

Omarosa: Oh, how sweet, the strumpet trio all coming together in one white sisterhood of feeble reprisal. Prepare to meet your doom, you ambitchous sno-hoes!

Fast, deadly, and accurate, Omarosa takes Conway down with a blow to her midsection that severs the blonde bullshitter in half. She never had time to scream.

A tornado-like spin move catches Ivanka off-guard and as she staggers backward Omarosa removes both of the presidential paramour’s breasts with a blindingly quick slashing motion of her lethal claws, leaving the first daughter bleeding out on the grand staircase.

Melania is cagier, more experienced, clearly having been in many a cat fight of her own before this one. She slams a stiletto heel kick into Omarosa’s chest leaving the black mamba with a piercing wound below her collarbone. But Omarosa drives her own stiletto heel into the femoral artery of Melania’s right thigh triggering a torrent of Slovenian blood onto the mid-19th Century, Oriental rugs. Melania drops, quivers momentarily, then does not move again.

Manigault Newman surveys the carnage, flashes that soulless smile that has sent chills through tens of millions of reality TV fans, then begins an executioner’s march toward the Oval Office.

4:22pm: As she approaches the president’s lair, a loud commotion is heard behind the double doors, furniture obviously being stacked behind the mahogany barrier.

Omarosa: Donald, you come out of there you yellow-belly, sissified, sorry excuse for a world leader. Come to Mama!

A deep, forceful male voice is heard from the other side of the door, identifying itself as that of a Secret Service agent and warning Ms. Manigault Newman to keep back.

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Like everyone else, The Donald knows not to mess with Omarosa. (Credit: thehill.com)

Omarosa: Oh, fuck that, Donald. I know it’s you disguising your stupid voice, like you do on the phone, pretending you are your own publicist or some crap like that. You can’t fool me, you fat piece of chicken-shit orange turd sausage. Now come out of there and tell me WHAT THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING FIRING OMAROSA! Let’s go, move, before I chop that door into toothpicks and drag you out by your hay hair toupee.

4:24pm: Omarosa rubs her adamantium claws together filling the halls of the White House with the cold, metallic sound of razor-edged terror.

President Trump: Omarosa, listen to reason. If I am going to keep my racist base happy, I can’t have a black woman standing by my side, acting all chummy with the President of the USA. You understand…

Omarosa: The fuck I do, Donald. I’ve stood by your side while you were nothing but a no-good, lying, cheating, third-rate huckster on a schlocky, dime-store reality TV show. You’re still a no-good, lying, cheating, third-rate huckster but now you’ve got real power. You think for ONE FUCKING MINUTE that you can get rid of me so easily after all I did for you? You owe me, you orange, Cheeto-filled, combover con artist motherfucker. I’m not going anywhere.

Another voice speaks from behind the Oval Office door — timid, feminine, nervous, but still a man’s voice.

Unidentified Male: Ms. Manigault Newman, we can make this painless for you, very lucrative, if you just quietly walk away and don’t make any more trouble.

Omarosa: The fuck you say, Jared? I’d know your effeminate voice anywhere, you pathetic Jewbie cocksucker. I just filleted your wife, sonny boy. And you’re next, you halfwitted weakling.

Omarosa then steps purposefully to the door, tilts her head listening closely, then spears Kushner fatally in the heart with one lightening fast strike through the heavy wooden door.

President Trump shrieks and begins to scream for help from Secret Service agents stationed in the West Wing. At this point, a dozen agents are scouring the White House hallways in response to Gen. Kelly’s panicked alert from the Situation Room, hunting for Omarosa.

4:26pm: They find the wild-eyed, frothing she-devil standing outside the Oval Office door wiping blood off the blades of her death-dealing claws.

She wheels, positions the dangerous metal talons above her head, and runs straight for the largest cluster of agents, decapitating three before being hit with a dart from a tranquilizer gun and then is subdued by four linebacker-sized security officers, two holding German Shepherds that are straining and snapping against collar chains.

4:28: Omarosa is quickly placed in a straitjacket and dragged into a bear cage brought to the White House specifically for this purpose, the firing of Manigault Newman.

Agents call out in reassuring tones to President Trump, who is now hiding under the Resolute Desk clutching framed photos of himself. They urge him to open the Oval Office door and come out. He refuses, saying he’ll only emerge after Omarosa is driven far outside the city limits.

4:30: The bear cage with Omarosa inside, still groggy from sedation, is quickly and quietly loaded into the back of a D.C. Police armored riot van and driven to an FBI compound outside of Richmond, VA, almost 90 miles from the White House.

There, after being given strict instructions not to venture within 20 miles of the White House, approach President Trump, or feed on any of the corpses she left behind, Omarosa Manigault Newman is freed by order of the president who is scared shitless of the woman he made famous, and is hoping her release might keep her from disemboweling him or cutting off his nuts at some later date.

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Manigault Newman showing no ill effects from the physical confrontation that left six dead in the White House last Tuesday. (Credit: konniemoments.com)

Twenty-four hours after her release, acting calm and cool, coy and confident, Omarosa appeared with ABC’s Michael Strahan on Good Morning America to tell her side of the story, which was dramatically different than the Secret Service account you just read.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you doubt the veracity of the transcript above, ask yourself this — has anyone seen Kellyanne Conway, Ivanka Trump, First Lady Melania Trump, or Jared Kushner alive since last Tuesday?

Enough said.

****

I want to thank all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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