Truth In Satire

Nobel Peace Prize Committee Says “No F**king Way” To Trump Receiving Award

“We’d rather not award it at all than give it to that egotistical, sexist, racist, warmongering moron,” says committee chair

A suggestion made last month by South Korean President Moon Jae-in that Donald Trump be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his contribution to ending the Korean War was met with strong resistance by the committee tasked with choosing a recipient.

“Oh my God, no f**king way,” said Berit Reiss-Andersen, chair of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, the organization that awards the prize each year based on instructions left in Alfred Nobel’s will. “The notion that a narcissistic, misogynistic, racist, belligerent bully like Donald Trump would ever qualify for this coveted honor is so absurd that we all broke out into discreet Scandinavian laughter at the thought of it.”

Ms. Reiss-Andersen added that she believed President Trump’s antagonistic foreign policy, pugnacious personal style, and tweets threatening nuclear war have actually left the world a more dangerous, less peaceful place.

“For the first time in our 117-year history, we’re having difficulty finding a man or woman on any continent behaving peacefully enough to deserve the prize,” said Ms. Reiss-Andersen. “We believe the paucity of candidates is due to a general atmosphere of hostility and global mistrust that has been fostered by Mr. Trump. Frankly, he’s the antithesis of everything Alfred Nobel intended this award to be about.”

Current Nobel Committee member, Thorbjørn Jagland, agrees with Ms. Reiss-Andersen. “According to Mr. Nobel’s directives, the prize should go to a person who did ‘the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies, and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses,’” he said. “We’ve been searching high and low for such a person, but everyone is just so darn angry and confrontational this year and it’s clearly due to Trump.”

Mr. Jagland said that they considered awarding the 2018 prize to a 14-year-old girl from Colombia who got her entire soccer team to shake hands with some longtime rivals after a particularly heated championship match. “But is that really the Nobel standard that we’re looking for?”

“We also pondered giving the award to a young boy in Mongolia who briefly flashed us the peace sign when we drove through his village last March,” Mr. Jagland continued. “He was a lovely child but, again, can we not find someone who is making more of a global impact when it comes to promoting peace?”

The Nobel Prize ceremony, usually held in Oslo’s city hall each December, is generally a celebratory affair. But Ms. Reiss-Andersen said that if her committee is forced to consider the nomination of Donald Trump, or an equally despicable candidate, they will probably cancel the Nobel Peace Prize awards ceremony this year and substitute an exhibition of traditional Viking clothing.

For more information about the upcoming Viking garment display, visit


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

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Thank you.


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