Truth In Satire

No One’s Disputin’ That Putin’s Rasputin

U.S. intelligence agencies now believe that the “mad monk” successfully reincarnated as Russia’s current president

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Vladimir Putin, left, and Gregory Rasputin, right, have almost identical DNA, according to pubic hair samples plucked from both men.

Is it a coincidence that Gregory Yefimovich Rasputin, confidante of Russia’s last czar, and Vladimir Putin, current Russian president, have such similar last names? NO!

In fact, many intelligence agencies around the world believe there is enough evidence to conclude that Russia’s notorious “mad monk,” an expert in dark magic, found a way to reincarnate as the powerful Russian dictator of today.

“If we look at pubic hair samples removed from Putin’s sheets, and those of Rasputin taken from his ball sack that was preserved in fluids after his death, we see an almost exact DNA match,” said an undercover CIA agent in Moscow, speaking from a safe house. “Everyone in the intelligence community now accepts that Czar Nicholas’ crazy cenobite found a way to return as Vladimir Putin.”

Russian Czarist expert, Maureen Ritchfield, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Dublin, cites further evidence of a connection between the two men.

“Most Russian historians agree that Rasputin’s real last name was probably also ‘Putin,’ says Dr. Ritchfield. “Rasputin was such a bizarre fellow, the people of the czar and czarina’s court would tease him constantly, or ‘razz’ him. The word for razz in Russian is ‘ras.’ Over time, he simply became known as Razz Putin, or in the Russian, Ras Putin, and eventually Rasputin. So you see, we have a direction connection.”

Dr. Ritchfield added: “If Vladimir Putin is truly the reincarnation of the cunning Rasputin, or even a direct blood descendant of the eccentric holy man, it would explain Putin’s considerable charisma and thirst for power.”

The CIA operative offered another frightening scenario that he said has been circulating among global intelligence agencies. “Rasputin was a master manipulator who had Czar Nicholas II and Czarina Alexandra in the palm of his hands — ‘royal puppets,’ if you will,” said the operative. “He is also widely blamed for being instrumental in the downfall of the monarchy during the Bolshevik Revolution of 1917, leading ultimately to the Russian regime we have today — Putin’s Russia.”

“It simply makes sense that Putin could be using Trump in the very same way as Rasputin did the czar,” continued the undercover CIA man, “gaining his trust as he simultaneously undermines his authority and ability to govern. You can see how easy it would be for Putin to step into Trump’s enormous power vacuum.”

He concluded by saying: “Whether we call him Rasputin or Putin, we have a very dangerous, dark sorcerer living among us, with no limits to what he’ll do for world domination. Trump is just a witless pawn in Putin’s well-played chess game.”

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