Truth In Satire

Supreme Court Rules That Bakers Don’t Have To Make Penis Cakes For Gay Unions

Justices say Constitution protects Colorado man from having to bake dick doughnuts, cock crullers, and todger tarts, too

The owner of the Masterpiece Cakeshop said that making penis cakes for same sex weddings was “too damn erotic” for him. (Credit: The New York Times)

The U.S. Supreme Court agreed on Monday with Masterpiece Cakeshop owner Jack Phillips that he doesn’t have to bake cock-shaped cakes for the wedding receptions of gay couples.

Mr. Mullins and Mr. Craig eventually settled on a vanilla wedding cake made by a different bakery that was topped with a 9-inch marzipan penis. (Credit: RantNOW)

In the landmark “Penis Cake Case,” the justices also decided that the Colorado cake artist can legally refuse to make dick doughnuts, penis pies, todger tarts, and cum gun crullers in the future, too.

David Mullins and Charlie Craig, the gay couple who originally requested that Mr. Phillips bake them a cock cake back in 2012, claimed in their lawsuit that the baker offended them by stating that he would only agree to make them a fruitcake.

Mr. Phillips apparently had no problem whipping up his popular vagina cakes, which suggested he had a prejudice against cocks. (Credit: MotherMag.com)

They also claimed that Mr. Phillips’ was discriminating against them as homosexuals specifically because he regularly bakes his famous “Vagina Cake,” and “Clitoris Eclairs” for bachelorette parties.

Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, in writing the majority decision, mentioned that his fellow judges were stunned “by just how much genitalia pastry there is out there, including cooter custards, ball sack biscuits, skin flute scones, poontang puddings, and beaver brownies, to name just a few.”

Justice Kennedy also wrote in his decision that while the Penis Cake Case was filed with the Supreme Court in early 2017, the justices needed a year before hearing the case in order to sample slices of Mr. Phillips’ vagina cake, as well as conduct taste tests on a variety of cock cakes with creamy vanilla fillings created by other custom bake shops.

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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