NFL Hopes Trump Victory Will Eliminate Need For Domestic Violence Policy

Commissioner Goodell says a Trump win will finally make it easier for his players to “smack their girlfriends around” with impunity

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Goodell says that “tailgating” will take on a whole new meaning once Trump’s misogynistic administration takes office.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made it apparent who he hopes will win the Presidential Election on November 8th. In not-so-veiled comments to reporters this week, professional football’s principal apologist indicated that a Trump victory on election day would make it easier for his players “to grope any woman they meet in a bar, toss their girlfriends across the room, and punch out their baby mommies in elevators.”

When asked pointedly if Trump’s lewd and abusive behavior toward women takes the pressure off his reckless NFL players, the Commissioner said, “Look, anytime a future President of the United States brags about grabbing a woman’s honeypot, it’s going to make my players’ bad behavior look saintly by comparison.”

Goodell was questioned about whether this means the NFL would drop a promise to institute a “not-again, get tough” policy. “I’m not saying we’d abandon that position,” said Goodell, “I’m just saying that with Trump turning the White House into a bordello, not a lot of people are going to be scrutinizing our players. Which means we could probably get away with a graduated penalty system — you know, a wife beating gets you suspended for one play, while a rape and assault indictment would bench a player for maybe an entire quarter.”

Told that this kind of insensitivity might provoke even more vehement criticism of the league, Goodell said, “That’s why we want to see a President Trump, okay? He understands the need to put great entertainment in front of integrity and common decency.”

Goodell would not fully address the recent admission of Giant’s kicker Josh Brown that he “physically, verbally and emotionally” abused his wife, saying only, “Our hope is that we can delay any ruling on the Brown case until after the election. As a Giant’s fan, we think President Trump is going to publicly condemn Brown’s wife for bating Josh with sexual innuendo, thereby allowing us to punish the kicker with only a one-week suspension applied during the off-season.”

Reached for comment about Goodell’s remarks, Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton shook her head and said only, “How the hell did it ever come to this?”

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