Truth In Satire

New Yorkers Say Trump Can Expect “Some Big F**king Surprises” During May Visit

City plans to give president “a homecoming he’ll never forget”

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President Donald Trump will return to his hometown on May 4th — his first trip back since taking office in January — and New Yorkers are planning to give him a historic antihero’s welcome.

According to a White House announcement, the president’s trip will include a stop at the U.S.S. Intrepid to commemorate the 75th anniversary of the battle of the Coral Sea. But the city is also putting together a full schedule of additional programs, parades, and protests guaranteed to make the president’s homecoming both memorable and in keeping with his position as Commander-In-Cheat.

The office of Mayor Bill de Blasio released this tentative schedule of events for the president’s exciting daylong visit to NYC in May:

8:00–9:00am: Egg-In-Your-Face Breakfast / Trump Grill
New York residents are invited to a meet-and-pelt the president breakfast at the Trump Grill inside Trump Tower. Rotten eggs and hurl-worthy soft tomatoes will be provided by the local Green Market Farmers Markets — committed to healthy, sustainable agriculture since 1976 — which the president is not.

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Imagine urine instead of confetti showering down on President Trump during his parade through the Canyon of Antiheroes.

9:00–11:00am: “Canyon of Antiheroes” Parade / Battery Park To City Hall
Join millions of fellow anti-Trump NYers as they gather to shower President Trump with, what else…a golden shower! Instead of the usual ticker tape confetti celebration through the city’s iconic “Victory Canyon,” spectators will be five deep on the sidewalks and hanging from skyscraper windows ready to urinate on the president and his motorcade of political crooks and villains as they pass by, as well as shout slurs and insults at the Orange Accident. No flags, marching bands, or music will herald this procession.

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A special red, white, and blue wooden plank is expected to be erected for the president’s use on the U.S.S Intrepid, just aft of the forward bow.

11:30am–1:30pm: Intrepid “Walk The Plank” Event / Pier 86
Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull will join President Trump on the flight deck of the Intrepid Sea, Air & Space Museum to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the Battle of the Coral Sea, when U.S. and Aussie forces coordinated efforts to defeat the Japanese during WWII. The president will address the nation with an unintelligible speech at 12:00pm. Then hundreds of thousands of tri-state residents will take to small boats, jet skis, dinghies, rafts, canoes, kayaks, and inner tubes, surround the Intrepid, and violently rock it as the president is invited to walk the length of a wooden plank dangling over the Hudson River from the carrier’s top deck. (Note: If Mr. Trump is toppled from the plank and plunges into the Hudson, the parade in the Canyon of Heroes will resume at 2:00pm, complete with ticker tape, flags, marching bands, and music).

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Mayor de Blasio of NY will be Master of Ceremonies at a “Presentation of the Itemized Bill” event at his official residence, Gracie Mansion.

2:00pm–3:00pm: Presentation of Itemized Bill for Security Costs by Mayor de Blasio / Gracie Mansion
Protecting the president while he is in town during his May 4th visit will cost the city approximately $308,000, according to the The New York Police Department. In addition, the cost of Melania and Barron Trump living in NYC, instead of at the White House, is burdening the city at a rate of $150,000 a day. Add to that the millions in police overtime and security expenses that the president-elect racked up while living at Trump Tower before moving to Washington and you have a whopping total of $66,000,000. A formal presentation of the bill will be presented by Mr. de Blasio to Mr. Trump on the steps of Gracie Mansion where the president will be shackled and held hostage until the check is written, deposited, and clears at the city’s bank, J.P. Morgan Chase.

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Watch your step, Mr. President, that 4th hole is a doozy.

3:30pm–6:00pm: Pitch-And-Putz Golf Event / Sheep’s Meadow, Central Park
As everyone knows, the president loves golf, and his motivated New York fans want to be sure he gets some recreation time while he is visiting. That’s why they are hosting a 9-hole golf challenge on a makeshift “Pitch-And-Putz” course set up in Central Park’s Sheep’s Meadow. To challenge the president’s prodigious golf skills, organizers have even asked the Army Corp of Engineers to bury 22,673 lethal landmines along the fairways, on the greens, and in the bunkers of the 4500 ft., Par 3 course. The president will be showcasing his golfing skills solo that afternoon, while the Secret Service is invited to take a breather. It promises to be a death dodging round of exciting play for the Commander-in-Cheat. (Note: Nationally televised by CBS Sports with play-by-play by Jim Nance, Nick Faldo, and U.S. Army Ordnance Expert General George “Step Lively” Mattison).

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Employees of Mexican heritage working at Tavern on the Green wanted to be sure to thank the president for his support of their country.

7:00pm–9:30pm: “Cinco De Maniac” Dinner at Tavern on the Green/ Mid-Central Park
The day after the president’s visit to the city, May 5th, is known as Cinco De Mayo, a holiday when New Yorkers and the entire nation celebrate Mexican-American culture. The kitchen and wait staff at Tavern on the Green wanted to host a special dinner for the president on the eve of this colorful day to honor Mr. Trump’s warm embrace of the Mexican people. They’re planning a six-course meal for the man they call “La Naranja Desastrosa” or “Pinche Pendejo,” that will include Chicken in Mole Sauce (using actual dead moles), traditional Chalupas with Toe-Cheese Topping, and a presidential tribute dish, Taco De Donnie, featuring chili peppers so hot, they’re dangerously flammable. The wait staff is also looking forward to serenading the president with a new ballad they’ve written, sure to become an instant classic, titled “Te Enseñaremos Una Pared De Mierda" (loosely translated as “We’ll Show You A Fucking Wall.”)

10:00pm: President Departs For Washington
But not before several million people create a one-of-a-kind “Road To Presidential Perdition” en route to Air Force One parked at Newark Airport. Plans include piling old tax forms in the road to remind the president that the American people demand to see his returns, rolling cabbages under the wheels of his motorcade to let him know he can’t hide from his Russian ties, and throwing “Ivanka” brand merchandise at his limousine to make the point that he can’t enrich his family and friends by peddling their cheap products (and also that his daughter is a poor substitute for Melania who is a poor substitute for an actual First Lady).

So long, President Trump — hope you’ve enjoyed your New York homecoming!

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Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is no more.

Remember, I read every comment. And I try to answer.

Thank you.

–AI

Written by

Writer. Satirist. Author. Cyclist. Visit me at allanishac.com.

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