Humor me…

New Owner Of ‘The Onion’ Plans Name Change To Funnier-Sounding ‘The Kumquat’

‘You can’t say kumquat without laughing, so we’re making the quick switch from vegetable to fruit,’ says acquiring CEO

Beloved comedy site, The Onion, has not only changed owners, it’s getting a name change.

“We did a a little focus group here in the office and nobody could spit out the word ‘kumquat’ without doubling over,” said Ben Collins, CEO of Global Tetrahedron, the acquiring media company. “That’s the kind of knee jerk guffaw we want our revamped humor site to trigger in a reader.”

Reactions from devoted fans of The Onion were swift. “When I first heard it, I thought it had become a porn site—you know, kumquat sounds kind of genital,” said Jake Borghum, who’s been enjoying The Onion since its inception in 2019.

Brent Lockart, another diehard devotee of The Onion was disappointed. “I was hoping they might transition into a fantasy adventure site called like ‘The Dragon Fruit.’ I mean, if you’re going to demolish a proven winner, why not go all the way?”

The Kumquat’s new logo will be unveiled on May 1st.

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