Truth In Satire

New Apple Watch Delivers 500 Volts To Men Who Get Inappropriate Erections At Work

In effort to prevent sexual abuse on the job, Apple introduces “shocking” watch feature designed to short circuit male arousal

Apple is doing its part to help prevent unwanted sexual advances and inappropriate conduct by men in the workplace.

A new version of the popular Apple Watch detects when a man’s breathing increases, his blood pressure rises, and he shows any signs of sexual arousal and delivers an immediate 500-volt jolt to the wearer.

“It really works,” said one man who was making advances on a woman at his law firm who wanted nothing to do with him. “I started to get a woody as I approached her from behind and suddenly, WHAM, I got an instant shock from my new Apple Watch and my pocket rocket lost all its thrust. I think that probably saved my job.”

Several names were initially floated at Apple for its new watch feature, including the “Weinstein Wacker,” the “Johnson Jolter,” the “Libido Disruptor,” and the “Snake Strangler,” but the company ultimately decided on the “Boner Blaster.”

Apple is expecting big sales for its new watch series, with sales to the entertainment industry alone topping one million units. Some movie studio executives say they plan to issue the Apple Watch to every male actor and all male crew members working on their film projects.

There has also been a great deal of interest from Congress, where Senate and House members have been dropping like flies for their sexual transgressions. Both political parties have been looking for a good circuit breaker for those awkward times when congressional members bring up, for example, sexual surrogacy with female staffers.

“We’re eager to retain enough congressional seats to have a quorum for legislative votes,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in a joint statement. “We think the Apple Watch with Boner Blaster is exactly what we need to keep our Republican majority intact.”

Tech industry insiders are also reporting that the new Apple Watch is selling in huge numbers to women who’ve been married for seven years or more and intend to give the watch to their husbands.

The Apple Watch with the Boner Blaster is available in time for holiday gift giving at and at Apple stores everywhere.


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