With tensions increasing on the Korean peninsula after a series of provocative messages between U.S. President Donald Trump and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un over the past week, the Communist nation has taken an unusual step in an attempt to predict and preempt any possible aggression by the American commander in chief.
In the capital city of Pyongyang, military officials have convened a focus group of first graders with instructions to bully and taunt their classmates as North Korea’s top brass observes through one-way mirrors.
“We’re looking for the kind of immature, irresponsible, and reckless behavior patterns from these children that we think most closely resemble that of the agitator Trump,” said a Korean People’s Army (KPA) three-star general, who spoke off the record through a Chinese interpreter. “When we get these first graders to start throwing things at each other, we can compare those actions to incitements by the American president to determine precisely when he will launch a nuclear missile.”
The North Korean general added that his military was originally observing the behavior of fourth graders, per direct orders from their leader, Kim Jong-un. But they quickly came to realize that “the infantile man-boy Trump is much less developed emotionally and intellectually than nine-year-olds. His maturation level more closely resembles that of a six-year-old.”
Interestingly, according to a leak out of Washington, American intelligence officers have also gathered school age children at secret observation centers in Virginia to study their behaviors relative to conflict. However, one senior official said to be leading the study, admitted that they had miscalculated and assembled a group of sixth graders for their observations.
“I guess it’s obvious now that Kim Jong-un, as juvenile and loopy as he appears to be, is still a few grade levels above Mr. Trump,” the senior intelligence officer reportedly commented. “It’s probably fair to say that our president is easily the most unsophisticated, inexperienced, and vacuous leader the world has ever seen.”
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