Truth In Satire

Mueller On Trump: “Either He Has Massive Balls Or He’s Uncommonly Stupid”

Special counsel questions president’s judgement after Mr. Trump harshly criticizes him in a series of weekend tweets

The special counsel investigating Russia’s interference in the 2016 presidential election is expressing disbelief over a series of tweets by Donald Trump over the weekend harshly criticizing him and his team of prosecutors.

“Either this man has massive balls or he’s uncommonly stupid,” Robert Mueller told his investigative team on Monday, according to sources inside his office. “I can’t even keep track of all the indictable crimes we’re racking up against him and yet he just keeps digging himself in deeper.”

In his tweets, Mr. Trump seemed to suggest that the Mueller investigation is flawed because there are too many Democrats involved on his team. The president also repeated claims that Mr. Mueller, who is a longtime Republican, is conducting a partisan “witch hunt.”

“I read that Rex Tillerson called Trump an ‘effing moron,’ but this kind of reckless behavior goes far beyond that,” Mr. Mueller remarked behind closed doors. “I’m trying to find the right word for this guy. Is it idiot? Imbecile? Halfwit? Nincompoop? Or is he more like a lamebrain or a simple butthead?”

Some Republican leaders are growing worried as Mr. Trump seems to be preparing to fire Mr. Mueller in an attempt to derail his investigation. But, according to people who heard his comments, Mr. Mueller is unflinching and professes to be multiple chess moves ahead of the president.

“He’s been threatening to fire me since day one,” Mr. Mueller said. “But he’s a complete dunderhead…or is it simpleton? Anyway, Trump doesn’t seem to realize that I’ve assembled the best investigators and prosecutorial team in the country, while he’s hired a bunch of ambulance chasers from third rate law schools? It doesn’t matter if I stay or go, we’ve had this bozo dead to rights for months now. He’s done.”

Mr. Mueller concluded with a reassuring statement for Americans who feel that Mr. Trump presents an existential threat to the country:

“I wish people would stop worrying and remember that I’m a Princeton grad and a former Marine Corps officer who fought in Vietnam. I have a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart. I was also a United States Assistant Attorney General and Director of the FBI. I spent my entire life fighting for America’s democratic values and ideals, and if anyone thinks that I’m going to let that lummox destroy everything I hold dear, they’re crazy. It’s checkmate on Donald Trump.”


Thanks to all the many readers, fans, followers, and even my frenemies, for reading and commenting on my posts throughout the year as I continue my commitment to post every day, 7-days-a-week until the Orange Accident is out of our hair.

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Thank you.


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